Saudi Eve

In English: love comes sometimes

2009-11-26T22:54:00.004+03:00

..and tomorrow if your away I'll say: I'm getting sick, and cry melodramatically. I'll tell you stories of the ones i loved before you, "7bebe" you'll become. We'll write little love letters. I'll tell you that when I'm in love i stop writing.. or write rubbish -like this post.

we'll be happy

24-11-2009

________________
Best read while listening to: We Should See Each other more..
by;Anonymous Somewhere
Link: http://www.anonymoussomewhere.com/WeShould.asp

In Arabic; الحب يأتي احياناً

2009-11-26T22:11:00.003+03:00

وغدا" لو غبت عني قليلا" سأقول: مناعتي قَلَّتْ, وأبكي بميلودراما لا تناسبني البته. وسأقص عليك عن من سبقوك وستصبح حبيبي. أنت ستعتاد ان تستيقض مبتسما", ويدي النوم على جبينك. سنكتب رسائل الحب الصغيرة. ونسمي بعضنا بأجمل الاسماء. سأخبرك اني عندما احب لا اكتب.. او اكتب السخافات -مثل هذه المدونة مثلا"

سنكون سعداء

Best read while listening to: We Should See Each other more..
by;Anonymous Somewhere
Link: http://www.anonymoussomewhere.com/WeShould.asp

Being at the top has it's benefits but..

2009-04-28T16:25:00.002+03:00

It is lonely at the top..

You spend 8 hours a day, five days a week, year after year with this great group of individuals –your employees.
They share your dreams, they know your frustrations..
..
one day you notice, you've succeeded, they've become a team, a pact, one..
and you, you are the leader of it.. it, the team you've made from the individuals you spend 8 hours with, year after year..

it is lonely at the top.

your friends, whom you spend your days off with. go home after jobs and sleep, you don't.. you worry about debts to be paid.. targets to be met.. people households depending on you to feed, they sleep, your friends.

they bitch with a lightness you envy about their uptight managers.. the absurdity of paperwork.. and how they should be paid more especially that the organisation they work for made 3millions this year.. irony is; you know that the yearly payroll alone of an organisation this size could be in the range of two million.. then there's advertising.. the daily operations cost.. probably their organisation makes null for now, didn't even reach the break-even.. but you don't say a thing.. you smile in agreement.. and it is lonely at the top.

السعوديون الالكترونيون

2009-04-15T13:52:00.000+03:00

اعزائي السعوديون الالكترونيون,

هذه رسالة شكر. لكم كلكم. بكل توجهاتكم الالكترونية.. الاسلامية, العلمانية, الالحادية, الاصلاحية, او الفضفضية.. لكم كلكم, من اصحاب المدونات, الشعراء الغير صالحين للنشر الورقي, كتاب الصحف الالكترونية, الناشطين على الفيس بوك..الخ..

انا اشكركم, لأنكم بإختلافكم وخلافاتكم, بتلاقح افكاركم وتكتلاتكم, بصدقكم وطموحكم.. بالمجتمع السعودي السيبريي الذي كونتوه تمثلون المستقبل, وتعطوني –والكثير غيري- الكثير من الامل و الرضا..

Cc لكل كاتب/ـه سعودي/ـه على الانترنت

من ذكريات الصحوة: الثدي الذي اقلق الرياض

2009-04-13T08:42:00.001+03:00

.. كان عمره ثلاثة و ثلاثون سنه وكنت في الثالثة عشر
سليمان.. اول رجل سعودي عاكسني ليتعرف بي.. نجدي الاصل.. اتذكره جيداً.. كان جميل, كأنه ابي.. طويل, رجل وليس ولد..
كان يتبع سيارتي, يقف عند مدرستي, يتصل على منزلي

لم اكن كاعب يوم من حياتي.. وكأن صدري بين ليلة وضحاها اخذ شكل ثدي امرأة 25 سنة مكتملة النمو والانوثه حتى في سنوات مراهقتي الاولى. في آخر الثمانينات, في المدرسة, سموني الفتيات بمارلين مونرو, صوفيا لورين. في التسعينات في الثانوية والجامعه الشباب سموني باميلا اندرسون (فتاة بلاي بوي).
لم اكن لا فتاة بلاي بوي "ولا يحزنون".
كانت اهتماماتي هي اهتمامات "التكست بوك جيك".. بالكومبيوتر وبالأجهزة بشكل عام.. الفيديو, الهاي فاي سيستم.. ما زلت "الهاندي مان" لمنزلنا.. مازلت اصلح الكثير من الاعطال العامه.

21-12-1994 تعطلت خطوطنا الهاتفية الارضية.. اذكر ذاك اليوم بكل دقه وكأنه الآن.. كان زمن اوج الثروة لأبي لم يكن يتواجد في المنزل او البلد.. وقفنا خلف الباب انا وامي ,.. قال لنا الهندي سبب العطل هو تداخل اجهزة التسجيل.. قال توجد اجهزة تسجيل على كل خطوطكم الهاتفية.. يوجد من وضع لكم جهاز تنصت.. ثم على الاغلب شخص آخر فصل الاجهزة الاولى ليركب اخرى.. شخصين, فالأول مركب بعناية ودون قص و تخريب , اما الثاني فبتدمير وشغل غير محترف..
لم نعرف ماذا نفعل.. طلبناه ازالتهم
لم يتخيل لأحد في منزلنا بأن كل هذه الجاسوسية سببها ان في هذا المنزل جسم انثى خارق الانوثة.

كانت امي دائماً تقول: جسم حواء نسخه طبق الاصل من جسمي في شبابي..
أمي نفر صدرها في الستينات والسبعينات, زمن تحرر الشهوة.
وانا في الثمانينات والتسعينات, زمن الصحوة.

من ذكريات الصحوة: في المدرسة

2009-04-06T21:38:00.002+03:00

بالعربي:

لم تكن المدرسة مكان تعلم.. كانت مكان للتجمع يومياً والتباحث فيمن سيذهب ومن لن يذهب الى جهنم.. كانت كل المدرسة تعرف ان حوّاء امها لا تغطي وجهها وتعرف تتكلم انجليزي.. سخر بعض الاشخاص جهودهم على مر العام لهدايتي الى الإسلام..
الاجانب احياناً يسمون الثمانينات بالحقبة التي نساها الستايل..
في السعودية, كانت الحقبة التي نساها المنطق.

In English:

Schools were not a place to learn.. they were a place for daily gathering to discuss who is and is not going to hell.. the whole school knew that Eve's mother doesn't cover her face and knows how to speak English.. some made it their year long mission to convert me to Islam..
Westerners sometimes call the eighties the decade that fashion forgot
In Saudi, it was the decade that reason forgot.

من ذكريات الصحوة

2009-03-23T15:00:00.003+03:00

يوم في التسعينات..

استيقظت على اتصالات هاتفية مزعجه من صديقه لي.. ايقضتني لنقوم انا و هي بشراء صبغ بخاخ ونذهب لإزالة ما كتب على جدار مدرسة اختها قبل موعد خروج الطالبات في الظهيرة.. كان شخص قد قام بكتابة اسم زميلة لأختها على حائط المدرسة بجانب الباب الرئيسي مساءاً ليأتي الجميع صباحاً, الاهالي, المدرسات, الطالبات, وجيران الحي ليروا اسمها من بين 300 طالبه على جدار المدرسة..
على شارع عام , يقطعه يومياً كل من اراد الانتقال من شرق المدينة لغربها او يسلك الطريق السريع لخارجها.. نصف البلد رأت اسم الفتاة الصغيرة مصحوب بأقذر النعوت .. كان عمرها 13 سنة
طفلة.. بفضيحه لا يقوى تحملها ذي الاربعين عاماً.. حكم عليها و اخوتها بحكم مؤبد في تلك اللحظة.. هذه الفضيحه ستتبعها مدى الحياة..
لم اكن اعرفها, لكني عرفت في تلك اللحظة ان هذه الفتاة ستكون دائماً الفتاة التي كتب اسمها على جدار المدرسة.. لن تدعى لحفلات الصف الثالث ثانوي.. لن يمشي معها احد خلال الفسحه.. لن تعطيها اي بنت ما فاتها من الواجب المدرسي.. لن تتزوج.. لا فستان ابيض لها او لأخوتها.. لا اطفال.. للأبد عذراء لا تدخل دنيا.. لن يكلمها احد.

كان لهذا النوع من الاحداث تأثير كبير فيّ وفي من صاحبني المراهقة والشباب في تلك الفترة.. اصبحنا خائفين.. نخاف ان نستيقض غداً و نجد اسمائنا على جدران البلد.. خائفين ان نلفت انتباه اي انسان, فقد نصده و يكتب عننا حقداً.. قد نبتسم و يحكم علينا بأننا نستاهل التشهير..

في الثمانينات و التسعينات كان الكل يخشى ان يقول اسمه..

انا و انت

2009-02-17T14:20:00.001+03:00

الى م.
أنا و أنت فقط هنا, لا احد معنا. أنا و أنت و ابي الذي يحبك, يحترمك, و يتمنى من كل قلبه أن لا تقرب أي من بناته... انا و انت و سيجارة الحشيش التي اخاف.. انا و انت و كئابتك. انا و انت نتكلم عن الله, لا نعرف ايحبنا ام يلعننا. انا و انت لا عقل مثل عقلك يرضيني تقول لي..... انا و انت هل تعرفني؟... بعد كل هذه السنين ... اتعرفني؟. انا و انت كم مره قلت لي احبك خلال 13 سنة. قلت اكرهك. قلت لا احد سيحبك مثلي... قلت لا احد سيحبك.
انا و انت و هذه الصحراء التي لا نعرفها و لا تعرفنا.. نهرب منها لجانب البحر دائما. انا و انت و كلامك القاسي الذي لا انساه. انا و انت و رجالي الكثيرون ... تعرفهم جميعاً... عنك لا يعرفون. انا و انت و اسئله لا تجاب.. "هل نمتي معه؟", "هل تبعك لباريس", "هل تعرفين بأنه خسيس؟ أحقر مني بكثير!"... انا و انت و كل ما ارغبه و لا تقدر عليه.

انا و انت و كل الكتب التي قرأناها... ما زلنا لا نفهم شيئاً.. أي شيء.
انا و انت و غباؤك.. الشديد.
انا و انت و اشياء فيك "شديدة" اخرى..

لكل حالي غاب

2009-02-14T00:23:00.005+03:00

معلومةمسبقه للنص: اكتبُ عندما لا أُطارَحْ الغرام.. –او لا أُطارَحْ الغرام جيداً

منذ عمري 8 سنوات عرفت..
أن أمي,
المعلمة,
والشيخ في المسجد علينا يكذبون
""انثى البشر كحجر الألماس 3 قيراط بلجيكي" يرددون

يقول رجل الاعمال الليبرالي "دون محرم لن تسافر اختي العذراء في الاربعين".. ههه
لم يترك العضو الذكري الصناعي عذراء في الاربعين!
لم يترك الخنصر عذراء في الاربعين!
لم يترك الله عذراء في الاربعين ..

: الو يا شيخ, السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته, ماذا كنت سأقول, اللهم صلي على محمد, أنا –الالماسه- من اسره غير متدينه والعياذ بالله, جرت العاده ان المدون اكس يسلم علي بمصافحتي وتقبيل بضري.. ما حكم ذلك جزاكم الله؟
سؤالي الثاني, ما حكم الكذب ؟ ما حكم الكذب لألف واربعمائة سنه؟
ما حكم الاستمناء باليد اليسار؟
ما حكم المرأة يا شيخ؟ الا يجوز فيمن سكت عنها حكم المفسدين في الارض؟ الا يجوز قتل البشرية جمعاء؟

نسيت ان اذكر يا شيخ جزاك الله ان زوجي المدون اكس لم اره منذ شهرين.. لذلك اكتب بعد انقطاع طويل, طويل كالعضو الذكري الصناعي الذي لم يترك عذراء في الاربعين. كعضو المدون اكس.
يا شيخ افتينا افتاك الله (وفتك بك).
منذ ان غاب استمع للاغاني الحلوة يومياً,
أُحَلّي بعد كل الوجبات,
واتبخر باليوم الواحد ثلاث مرات..
نمت لدي –اعاذكم الله- نفس لكل حالي غاب عندما هو غاب؟

what can one write about happiness?

2008-05-05T21:48:00.004+03:00

haven't been writing much lately..

actually, for about a year..

.. "Pain is easy to write. In pain we're all happily individual. But what can one write about happiness?"

(quote from the movie The End of the Affair)

Like a lion .. زي الأسد

2007-06-12T23:09:00.000+03:00

بالعربي:

"حوّاء! ثقي بي!" قال الطبيب. اعادها بثبات "ثقي بي!".
اما الآن او ابداً.

لم يكن لأنه بدى كخبير في مجاله. او لأنه كان صبوراً جداً لحالة رهاب-العلاج الذي اعانيه. كان لأنه ذكر وسيم.
وحده وجود ذكر قوي ما يطمئن حوّاء.

مثل الأسد ذهبت. و مثل الأسد الجريح عندما انتهت العملية انفجرت بكاءا.

In English:
"eve! Trust me!" the dr. said. then repeated firmly "trust me!".
it was now or never.

Yet it wasn't that he seemed very good at his job, nor so patient with a patience-testing Pharmacophobic.. No, it was definitely that he was a handsome male.
Only the presence of a strong male can make eve feel safe.

like a lion I went. And when it was all over like a wounded lion I cried.

Update تحديث

Benign
حميد
Gutartig
Мягкий
Bénin
好意的です

مخدرات, فحل, و مستشفى -مره أخرى

2007-06-08T04:14:00.000+03:00

One post, two versions: In Arabic

بيتر بان, يا بيتر بان
الضفدع الذي قبلت تحول لإنسان
و قال لي احبك و قال سأكون هناك
عندما تذهبين, تستسلمين, و يثيروا ريبتك
و عندما تسمعين
كلمة: حميد

و غداً سأذهب للمشفى,
و غداً سيحدثوني عن غرز و مخدرات موضعية بسيطة
و غداً سيثيرون ارتيابي
و غداً سيقطعوا من جسمي الحبيب و يحللوا و يردوا السؤال
و سأنتظر كلمة: حميد

بيتر بان, يا بيتر بان
الضفدع الذي قبلت تحول لإنسان

One post, two versions: In English

Peter pan, oh peter pan
The toad I kissed turned into a man
And said I love you, and said
I'll be there when you go, surrender, feel suspicious
And when you hear the word; Benign

And tomorrow I'll go to the hospital
And tomorrow they'll talk of stitches and a local anesthetic
And tomorrow they'll make me suspicious
And tomorrow they'll cut my beloved body, run tests, and answer a question
And I'll wait for the word; Benign

Peter pan, oh peter pan
The toad I kissed turned into a man

مخدرات, فحل, و مستشفى

2007-05-28T00:38:00.000+03:00

قال الطبيب: ستكون هناك ابرتان, 3 غرز, و مخدر موضعي بسيط.
حوّاء –كأي مواطن سوي- تحس بالريبة من الغرباء الذين يحدثونها عن الغرز و المخدرات. فلا تحب الاطباء.
اطمأنت لطبيب مرة واحدة في حياتها؛ عندما كان فحلها معها. فوجود فحل وحده ما يطمئن حوّاء.

Drugs, a stud, and a hospital

There'll be two needles, 3 stitches, and a local anesthetic; the doctor said.
Eve –as any law abiding citizen- feels suspicious of strangers who openly talk of drugs and needles. never trusted doctors.
She trusted one once when her stud was with her. Having a stud alone is what makes her trust.

2007-05-23T01:11:00.000+03:00

أعزائي المتأسلمين,

نعم, ثمة من يتربص بكم.
و كلا, أنتم لا تعانون جنون الارتياب,
كثيرون هم من يتمنون القضاء عليكم.

لكن ليس للنيل من دينكم كما يحلو لكم ان تتوهمون.
بل لأسباب اقل درامية و اكثر واقعية: لأنكم ببساطه
غير منطقيين. عنيفين. و غير منتجين.

The last hour of a working week

2007-05-20T00:43:00.000+03:00

-1-

Dear God,

Will Saudiization go to hell?
as all evil things do.

-2-

عزيزي الرب,
اعط ميمي رجل يحبها و يرعاها كطفلة صغيرة, لا يزعل منها ابد. اعط ميمي بيت لا يخرجها منه احد.

* ميمي صديقة قديمةقابلتها بالأمس, قالت مما قالت عندما علمت بقرار اعادتها لمنزل جدها في منطقة نائية بالمملكة: حياتي ما زالت سكة سفر

__________________

The last hour of a working week..
is usually the hardest.

One post, two versions

2007-01-27T14:57:00.000+03:00

in Arabic

لدي حلم يقظة متكرر..
امشي في شارع سعودي, مرتدية عباءة. كل شكل من اشكال المضايقات التي قد تعرضت لها في شارع سعودي (التحديق و المراقبة, التخويف الديني,الدعوات الجنسية الفاضحة...الخ) تتحول بشكل رمزي لإنسان يسحب طرف عبائتي بقوة تختلف بحجم المضايقة. بيدي سلاح شعاعي مستقبلي, اطلق عليهم, فيتبخرون.. يكبر حجمي مع كل طلقة اطلقها, كما ينقطع الجزء المصاب من العباءة.. بعد عدة طلقات اكون قد اصبحت طويلة جداً (بطول منزل من طابقين) و شبه عارية, لم يتبقى من العباءة الا قطعتان تشبهان ما ترتديه الراقصة الشرقية, لكن بلون اسود. مع ذلك فلا احد يقرب مني الآن, لأنهم يخافون.

بعد ذلك, اكمل مشيي في الشوارع السعودية.. انثى, بلا مضايقات.

& In English

I have a persisting daydream..
I walk a Saudi street.. I'm wearing a abaya.. every type of harassment I've ever been subjugated to on a Saudi street (staring, terrifying religious advice, explicit sexual advances..etc.) are instead represented by one action: people pulling on my abaya, one after the other, force depends on how severe the harassment is..

I carry this futuristic beam weapon, I shoot them, they evaporize.
I become larger with each hit I make.. and the abaya gets torn a bit each time.. after a couple of hits, I'm very large (tall as a two story house) and almost naked, I'm left with a two piece ensemble that looks like a belly dancers' costume but black.. yet no one comes near me now.. they are afraid..

after that, I just walk the streets of Saudi.. feminine, and undisturbed.

Wish I could get pixar to produce it, would make a great animated video clip ...

شدي حيلك يا بلد 2

2007-01-25T16:30:00.000+03:00

قيل الكثير في حادثة مسرحية "وسطي بلا وسطية", هذا رأيي المتأخر

أعزائي المتأسلمون,

لم يعد رأيكم هو الأوحد في السعودية.
خسرتم.
فزنا.
انتهى الموضوع..

تقبلوه.

Shde 7elk ya bld..

2007-01-22T14:34:00.000+03:00

Usually Eve's posts are serene,
usually..

Adventures of a ninja woman..
At a meeting last Sunday a Ninja Woman very discreetly handed me a note that read "please cover your hair, thank you"..
Here's the thing; this isn't the first time.. but, her being all covered up, and me being a not so attentive person, I'm not sure she's the same woman, yet I have a feeling!.
Thus, next time I'll be well prepared for her with a note that reads: "please leave the meeting at once and go kill your mama coz she didn't teach you manners, thank you"

I drive, I sue, I'm a FUCKEN lefty..
What would happen if today, instead of having my chauffeur drive my car, I drive it myself. No, not with twenty other women in a parade manner... No CNN, just plain ol' me... going to work..
…
What would happen if today, instead of saying "jazak allah 5eir" (God bless you) to any person who recites the hadith of a perfumed woman being an adulterous, I sue for qthf.. and emotional trauma?
…
What would happen if today, instead of saying "oops", smiling, then passing the spoon to my right hand, I say "I am a fucken LEFTY you fucken imbecile!. I can't eat with my fucken right hand even if it meant that the fucken devil will get a fucken bite of my fucken kabsa. So unless you'd fucken feed me yourself –with your fucken right hand of course- say bon fucken appétit Mr. devil"
…what would happen indeed!

"here comes success"
An international Guru in my field asked me to showcase one of my (dearest) projects at a conference she's organizing.
My thoughts:
1- yippee! that's exactly my dream (to revolutionize the field, and to get a chance to brag about it in front of older, more educated, and experienced people than i)
2- I'm a bit hesitant.. it has to be me who delivers the spectacle, cause it's my baby.. but my voice isn't exactly presentation material (people tend to focus on the voice rather than what I'm saying)

CLOSER
I LOVE that movie, "closer"

*indulge me on this one*
I believe one writes her/his best while on the verge of insanity.
I believe religion is the opium of the masses.
I believe we –as a race- are self-destructive.
I believe perception is the only truth in the world, nothing else is (it's a matter of perception).
I believe in retiring; Work is illogical.
I believe I'm not saying anything genuine. I believe unless I say "ju haw twe" I'll only be mediocre.

I believe that being genuine is overrated.

employee of the month
I did it.
Five consecutive months in Saudi/working.. (yes, this one explains the un-serene post)

2 letters

2006-07-27T05:40:00.000+03:00

Dear God,

Had you made me into a bird today, I wouldn't have cared, nor cried.. I'd build a home on a green branch that no other bird will burn, nor claim his. I'd feed off of the earth, where there's enough for all the other birds. But –my dear God- I am not a bird.. NO, you didn't make me one.. you made me a female human.. who makes love to one man, to give birth to another.. then watch the two kill each other.. dear god, Where does all this evil come from? Why does man kill man?

Dear SaudiEve readers,

I won't be blogging for
about six weeks. Be safe, Be
happy..

man eats man, yet I..

2006-07-19T04:13:00.000+03:00

Man eats man, yet I..

..must drink water. Dehydration is bad, especially when you watch corpses dug out of the streets you once walked in, loved in, saw God in. Must wear some eye makeup, and a perfectly ironed skirt, entertain the guests.. drink a cup of tea with two spoons of sugar.. must tell the story.. of the balcony with a view.. of beirut burning, isreal bombing, man eating man.. how terrifying It was.. How grateful I am for escaping.. must say I'm grateful.. must say anything about nothing in particular.. to keep talking.. and drink water.. and that cup of tea, with two spoons of sugar.

Must answer the question: where is he now?.. must turn on the news.. for the guests who wanna see.. corpses dug out of the streets you once walked in, loved in and saw God in.. must talk politics.. with the ones who wanna say fuck Israel, fuck Nasrallah, or fuck the Canadians.. must answer the telephone. As if nothing is wrong.. as if man isn't eating man.

Exodus: Beirut to somewhere.. nowhere

2006-07-18T20:26:00.000+03:00

Sometimes I feel that he will never come back from the hills.

Gibran Khalel Gibran - Lazarus And His Beloved

عزيزي الرب,

في بيروت, يغطي آدم الموتى لكي لا يرى ما يفعله آدم بآدم... ثم يصور ذلك , و يبث الصور ليراها العالم و يعرف... "في أي بلد هو الآن؟" تسألني امي كل صباح ... اين الذي جعل ابنتها الصغيره تراك في يناير الماضي, الذي كل يوم يقول "تعالي و ابقي, تعالي و ابقي. بيروت بدونك حزينة"... الذي قال لي "اخرجي من بيروت اولاً ثم نتحدث عني" حتى وصلت الى دمشق و اغلقت كل المعابر فقال "حبيبتي انا لن اترك لبنان. لا استطيع تركه الآن. لن يبدو ذلك جيداً لو فعلت"... "في أي بلد هو الآن؟" تسألني أمي كل يوم في الصباح .. و لا اعرف بماذا اجيب.

في مطار دمشق قابلت صديق لصديق, اسمه كأسمه و لا يشبهه البته. حمل لي حقائبي, اعطاني كأس ماء لم اشربه, و جلس بقربي في الطائرة... عرفت من يكون من اول لحظة رأيته بها؛ هو بديله المؤقت منك يا رب.. سيهتم بي و سيحبني عماقريب... عندما حلقت الطائرة قال لي "الى اين ستسافرين لقضاء الصيف بعد عودتك الى السعودية؟".
"الى بيروت" اجبته.

سأخبرها بأنه هاجر الى فرنسا. و لن يعود ابداً لبيروت.. بأنه سعيد هناك جداً. حيث لا حرب و لا دمار. بأنه خرج من بيروت قبل خروجي.. بأنه لم يرى مدينته تحترق.. و لم يرى الكثير من الناس الطيبين يموتون.. سأخبرها انه لم يرى اي احد يموت.. هو بخير و امه بخير و ابن اخيه الذي يشبهه بخير .. لم يتهدم الحي الذي يسكنه... سأخبرها بأني سأراه في باريس قريباً .. في أي وقتٍ أشاء.. اننا انا و هو لسنا محاصرين كل في بلده .. بانه يقول لي , كل يوم يقول لي "تعالي و ابقي, تعالي و ابقي, باريس بدونك حزينة".
سأخبرها أنه سعيد.

يهاتفني رجل المطار بعد وصولي بساعات يقول "اعتذر لإتصالي, و لإقدامي, اتمنى ان تكون بيننا علاقة, احبك منذ سنوات, أهناك رجل في حياتك؟ أم أنك خالية؟" .. بماذا اجيبه يا رب؟."

Power of repetition

2006-06-28T01:12:00.000+03:00

Power of repetition

This friend of mine used to say to me…. Everyday for thirteen years say to me… in the sweetest manner say to me....
no one will ever love you as much as I do.
no one will ever love you as much as I do.
no one will ever love you as much as I do.
no one will ever love you as much as I do.
no one will ever love you as much as I do.
no one will ever love you as much as I do.
no one will ever love you as much as I do.
no one will ever love you as much as I do.
no one will ever love you as much as I do.
no one will ever love you as much as I do.
no one will ever love you as much as I do.

This friend of mine loves me no more, now I know.. everyday I feel it more and I know.. after thirteen years it is no more.. and I know:
no one will ever love me.
no one will ever love me.

Contingency Plan..

2006-06-25T01:36:00.000+03:00

Contingency Plan..
(stream of thought while waiting for my turn)

"Every Dog has it's Day"

... second time I catch that man looking at my hands. is it the French-manicure?… I don't remember why I had it done… wonder if he loves the same way he –the one who says "come and stay"- loves? if he smells the same?.... oh! Ya, the important meeting in Riyadh! that's why I had my manicure done… two weeks from now I'll have it redone for him.. him, the one who says "come and stay"… I'll trim my hair.. buy some new stuff.. and board a plane to go be loved, and saved.. I wonder if it's gonna be the same, This time?.. one year has passed… one year.. one year since that august night.. one sweet year… one year of missing.. one year of hearing "come and stay"… one year of going but never staying.. nights we slept next to each other.. nights we parted.. the third time was the hardest.. days we woke up together.. I make coffee, he irons my skirt… days I came back to him.. one year, always to come back again, never to stay.. yes, this time will be different…. It .. might ..be the las-

-oh i mustn't think of that.

.. mustn’t think of his up-coming relocation… that he's going to a far away place.. where I cannot just hop on a plane and be in his bed, saved, in two hours… must think of something else.. can't think of that. …not now.. not here… not with all these men looking at me… that I won't have someone to love me … save me.. …. must think of anything else, anything…where's that handsome man waiting for his turn?.. oh, he's still looking at me.. at my tiny wrists now … he's really good-looking .… exactly the way I like'em.. his hands.. his face… his.. I wonder if he loves the same way he –the one who says, everyday says, for a whole year "Come and stay, Come and stay, Come and stay, Come and stay…

-Invited..

2006-06-21T09:59:00.000+03:00

-Invited..

If you were a bird, and lived on high,

You'd lean on the wind when the wind came by,

You'd say to the wind when it took you away:

"That's where I wanted to go today!"*

How good it would've been, to be with you in Budapest today..
We'd sit quietly reading from a book -any book. You'd cook something, anything you wanna cook. I'd calmly say: "that's what I wanted to eat today". You'd be sweet to me as a little boy, and I'd be watching the rain as I said I would..

Then –fed and calm- I'd sleep the night away,

had I been with you in Budapest today.

________________
* From: Spring Morning by A.A. Milne (author of the Winnie the Pooh stories)

On Yahoo/CBS/ALJAZEERA Frontpage

2006-06-20T04:48:00.000+03:00

..
..
My fellow bloggers,
Now that I have the attention of the world.. I'd like to say one quick thing:
yippee!

I guess.

just a thought.. another thought

2006-06-19T03:37:00.000+03:00

Another project.. another business plan.. a marketing plan.. a branding plan.. a breathing plan .. a not-go-insane plan.. will it ever work?.. is this the one?.. have I finally reached my goal?.. or is it just another project.. another plan..

Another day.. another cup of coffee.. another newspaper.. another road.. to another meeting.. that leads to another business trip.. another hotel.. another room.. and another man to go with it.. will it ever work?.. is he the one?.. or is it just another fling.. another man..

..
..

Maria; give!

2006-06-17T15:04:00.000+03:00

I simply ask for your body

as Christians pray:

"Give us this day

our daily bread!"

Maria; give!

(1914-1915) Vladimir Mayakovsky

_____________________

: can I ask something of you?

: sure, anything.

: love me more!… love me as much as you possibly can .. love me for all the men who didn’t love me… all of them at once

: … but I thought they all did

: they didn’t, baby, none of them did

: they didn’t love you yet they all relentlessly pursued you?

: …

: oh, I see.. “they just wanted you for your p#ssy”

: ..I’m afraid it might’ve been the.. other.. way around.

Nothing to be done

2006-06-16T14:33:00.000+03:00

Nothing to be done..

..a quiet
weekend at home,
Finally.
(well,
between two homes,
Actually.)
time to read, watch T.V., write, cook, listen to music..

I highly recommend..
Watching: Woody Allen's Bananas, How to Succeed in Business without Really Trying
Having a mind-stimulating conversation about: modern inventions Vs. evolution theory
Reading: (أحسب الناس أن يتركوا) ؟! Scribbles:Walking up the hill...
Checking out: Marcel Khalife CONCERT SCHEDULE
Drinking: Moroccan tea
Listening to: Abu baker salem- ma 3lena ya 7bebe (the original version), anything by Aznavour
Cooking: Gourmet homemade-from-scratch hamburgers

And, last yet not least, I recommend..
Carpe diem.

i'll update the list as the weekend progresses.

________________

Update (Some more good reads)
Raf*'s posts what I'd call : world cup 06 for dummies
عندما تذهب إلى الكنيسة
يوميات

________________

- Well, shall we go?
- Yes, let's go.
They do not move.
Curtain.

_____________
two quotes in red are first and last lines of Samuel Beckett's Waiting for Godot .

Notes on a very bizarre May journey..

2006-06-12T00:14:00.000+03:00

Paris, hit and.. stand!!!
I wasn't wearing anything especially objectionable nor especially attractive ( a white semi-fitted t-shirt and a red knee-high skirt)
I wasn't looking angry, happy, I might even have had no specific expression on my face..
I wasn't doing anything any certain race/gender/religion/crazy person might find objectionable..
I was just walking in the very crowded paris pompidou center area, on a nice Parisian afternoon, when a very short thirty-something woman jumped towards me (yes, she didn't run, she jumped in a superman manner), kicked my left leg with all the power God gave her, then stood ominously, staring at me. Ready to strike again.

I, horrified yet having all my survival instincts kicking in..
Suppressed my famous high-pitch scream,
didn't move an inch,
then very very slowly looked at other people without even moving my head…

nobody helped.

A few long, long, eternal minutes later an African-American family of four jumped in for my rescue (their sweet accent can't be mistaken for another).. oh those heroes!
they spread around me, circled me, one on every side. I bet people watching thought they were my own personal bodyguards :-)

For me, what they did means they must've been my family in a previous life.

I didn't even thank them. I just started crying the minute I was out of immediate danger and walked away… walked and didn't stop, didn't even look back, for blocks and blocks and blocks, till I reached my hotel on the other side of the city, went to my room, and slept in my clothes and shoes with my cellular phone/credit cards in my pocket till the next day.

Talk about being traumatized!

NYC, shokran
If you ever go to New York City you MUST stay (or brunch) at this hotel..

Jumeirah Hotel on central park south (which I keep on referring to as Park lane, because it reminds me of London's park lane)

First time I stumbled upon this place I met this guy in the weirdest way.. he held the door for me. And even though it didn't meet a single Arab in NYC I unexplainably didn't say "thanks" or "merci" but just said "shokran"!
to which he replied "3afwan"!!
We both looked shocked at first, then had the biggest smiles on our faces.. it turned out he's Emiratee.

Well, this ain't the only reason I fell in love with this hotel. But rather cause during an-all-business trip to NYC, It became my "me-time" place. It had all I needed to be transformed from "angry-over-worked-Eve" to "happy-Eve" (well, just at morning hours, to be more precise); rich cappuccinos, some Arabic newspapers, and very luxurious surroundings in a not-so-luxurious city.

Seattle, 2nd floor elevator
We had only met each other four days ago.. but I realized, when I unexpectedly gave him the warmest, longest hug good-bye while we both quietly stood waiting for the elevator after what I thought was our last dinner together on my last night in Seattle, that though we seem to be going in opposite directions; him two floors down to the lobby, I two floors up to my room, that we were both treading the same path; two un-Saudi Saudis in Seattle..

Coming to this conclusion gave me a much needed dose of feeling safe, as I knew I made a friend for life, and I knew God does listen to a worried mom's prayers to send her little girl helpful strangers when caring-close-ones are all on other continents.

We had only met each other four days ago.. a friend called him from Saudi with an-all-familiar-message to any Arabic-over-sees student: hey, a friend-of-a-friend is coming to Seattle, for the first time, and doesn't know a single soul out there, take care of her.

he did.

Beirut, "Saudi fuck-ups welcomed here"
One of the things I love about Libnen –and I'm sure many Saudi's agree- is that the minute I land in Beirut rafe2 el7arere airport 9/11, with all it's horrendous effects on me the normal-everyday-Saudi that had nothing to do with it, is no more.

Furthermore, as far as a Saudi is concerned, in libnen, it is as if time stopped decades ago.
which I didn't really notice before till I came to Beirut from JFK New York City (via Frankfurt), On a united airlines flight!.

A half Lebanese friend once told me " ..in Libnen, Every Saudi is literally treated as royalty. You guys all have diplomatic immunity here. It is kind of as if the oil boom has just happened yesterday. To us, no Saudi is an unemployed, deeply in debt, and here to waist what little dollars they sold their car for. It is still the seventies here" ..

Some might say that we -Saudi's- feel our best in Beirut because we love being treated like royalty, which does have some truth to it since we do perceive ourselves as being all royalty. and it serves our sick qabale background to be treated as royalty; thus better than other nations (especially madane nations). But I see it differently, to me yes, we Saudi's feel our best out of all the cities of the world in Beirut. even, sadly but very true more than we do in our own country. because Beirut gives hope to a hopeless Saudi. Beirut, like a loving mother of a spoiled out of job fifty-something son who wasted the last penny of his inheritance on zilch, it –beirut- still sees us as promising as we were in the seventies, and it still treats us as the average joe/3bdul when the rest of the world , justifiably, looks at us as either the not-so-average-usama or the delusional Casanova-wanna-be.

But why, why does libnen treat Saudi's with this undeserved respect? I think althou the surface reason might seem to be cause of our much needed dollars…. I do differ. I think it has more to it than that. In my opinion, it might have to do with the fact that libnen a country so promising yet ever failing all expectations of all other countries knows exactly how it feels to be a fuck-up. And that even a fuck-up needs to be cut some slack.

So, thank you libnen for being a place where a Saudi, who is entitled to respect from time to time, still gets it.

Still Blocked, Still Blogging (about sex, God, and Jewish prayers)

2006-06-10T01:21:00.000+03:00

1st thought..On being blocked

(when it comes to preposterous acts that I cannot even begin to fathom, like censorship, I'm speechless … so I'll use some quotes to express my thoughts)

I never heard of anyone who was really literate or who ever really loved books who wanted to suppress any of them. Censors only read a book with great difficulty, moving their lips as they puzzle out each syllable, when someone tells them that the book is unfit to read.
-----------------------------------Robertson Davies

"الموت مصير المهر الجامح .. بين البهم المركوبة ! "

هل يمكن أن يزنى الفكر ـ يا أوفيليا بالفكر؟
ـ يمكن جداً فى الدانمرك ـ ما من شىء فى
الدنمرك محال ـ غير الطهر.

------------------------------نجيب سرور

فصودرت حنجرتي بجرم قلة الأدب ،
.وصودر القرآن، لأنه حرضني على الشغب

------------------------------أحمد مطر

Censorship is the tool of those who have the need to hide actualities from themselves and others. Their fear is only their inability to face what is real. Somewhere in their upbringing they were shielded against the total facts of our experience. They were only taught to look one way when many ways exist.

------------------------------Charles Bukowski

(On other blocked blogs)
Yes, there are now other blocked blogs in Saudi. the land of sand, to name one.. so, who's gonna be next?

(On my fellow bloggers' –Saudi and non-Saudi- response to this whole thing)
Bloggers who posted about it and called for action:
Farooha: Eve's Bayou
Sandmonkey: Unblock Eve
My Head: Bloggers Defend your Rights
Kharabee6: Rescue the Marginalized
pheras: More Petitions to Sign
Aya: Your Cyber Censorship Mission Will Fail
Hyscience : A Real Life' Internet Version Of 'Fahrenheit 451' ?
raf* : Saudi Cyber-Vigilantes effect first Saudi blog ban
ubergirl87: Eve Will Be Back, Because I Said So
Dark Sun: A Tiny Bit of Pushback in the Saudi Blogosphere
Slayer: SaudiEve
Jewaira: Blocked
Sabbah: Unblock Eve’s Blog
Saudi Jeans: ISU have blocked SaudiEve's blog,
Step-by-Step: tell them they should unblock Eve
The 4th Dimension: Saudi Eve… is blocked!
The Arabist: Help unblock Eve
The skeptic: Saudi Blog Blocked
UAE community blog: Support Saudi Eve
Fouad elfarhen: مدينة الملك عبدالعزيز تحجب مدونة سعودية
Tech Bee: Debloquez Eve
Bloggers who posted the Unblock Saudi Eve badges:
Dodo, Fedo, lostInTransilation, Bissa, Mystique, The Way of Zen
Thank you, thank you all.

(On pro- KACST-bloggers posting about the issue)
I bet they are dying to give their two cents in some specially dedicated post.. but for the time being they've done so on Fouad elfarhen's blog: مدينة الملك عبدالعزيز تحجب مدونة سعودية

2nd thought…

As you know

i was traveling

in May.. and

May was hard,

very hard..

which i'll write about in a seperate post. soon.

______________________

That sanity be kept I sit at open windows,

Regard the sky, make unobtrusive comment on the moon,

Sit at open windows in my shirt,

And let the traffic pass, the signals shine,

The engines run, the brass bands keep in tune,

For sanity must be preserved.

Dylan Thomas's

Musings of a blocked bloggerette

2006-06-04T13:24:00.000+03:00

..
..
..
Musings of a blocked bloggerette
..
..
..
..

What happens when a site gets singled out and blocked in Saudi?
It gets more hits than it ever did.(Remember; there's no such thing as bad publicity)
..
..

What can you –my fellow bloggers- do about it (if you want to do something about it)?
1- you can fill in an unblock request
or,
2- You can post about it and do what : Aya, Farooha, Fouad A. AlFarhan, Kharabee6, My Head, Pheras, Richard, sandmonkey, and Yael K did.

..
..
Why was Saudi Eve singled out and blocked?
Raf* has an entertaining take on why of all blogs Saudi eve was the one to get blocked first. He says: " it's all because of love. a bunch of o.c.s.a.b. kids fell heads-over-heals in love with your writing and the only way that their bosses could prevent them from leaving the forces of evil and come running towards the light (i.e. you) was to block your blog."

My Head thinks it's all because of the Jewish prayer I posted a month ago. Could it be?

Or was it cause I posted that I plan to be abroad for a long time (I.e., I won't notice the block cause I won’t be using Saudi internet access and won't make a fuss about it). And that I'll be too busy to update my blog (I,e. other bloggers won't notice the block cause they won't be visiting my blog anyway)

..
..

What's your take?

Back and Blocked

2006-06-02T23:00:00.000+03:00

Back & Blocked in one day

I'm -temporarily- BACK in Saudi. Only to find out that.. Saudi Eve is officially BLOCKED in Saudi.. Yes, my blog has been singled out and blocked in saudi..

Talk about a welcome home gift from Saudi Arabia. Anyway: I'm leaving Saudi again soon and for a long, long time.

this is a link to the unblock request form.arabic
in english

Prayers of the month

2006-04-26T15:06:00.000+03:00

I’ve been busy.. And ..
i'm gonna be busy.. all upcoming months.. not sure for how long.. traveling extensively.. working hard, trying harder to get what I wanna get.. lots of destinations.. new ones and old ones.. new faces.. strangers will become friends.. friends will be strangers.. for a while.
I’m gonna miss a certain someone.. my Angel.. who hasn’t been much of an angel lately.. will my angel miss me?.. not quite sure this time.. for I haven’t been much of a lover either*.. what do I expect out of this journey exactly?.. the thing is, I really don’t know.. yet..
my mom/friend says “expect.. everything!”.

C u all soon.

_____________________

Christian Travel prayers »
Alone with none but thee, my God,
I journey on my way.
What need I fear when thou art near,
Oh king of night and day?
More safe am I within thy hand
Than if a host did round me stand.
St. Columba (521-597)

Islam Travel prayers »
By Allah I commence my journey; by Allah I seek to
accomplish the purpose of my journey.
O Allah, make me overcome all; and make easy for
me all difficulties; and give me more of goodness than
I hope for; and keep away all evil of which I am
apprehensive for my health, O the most Merciful.

Judaism Travel prayers »
May it be Your will our God, that You make us reach
our desired destination for life, gladness, and peace.
May You send blessing in our handiwork, and grant
us grace, kindness, and mercy in Your eyes and in
the eyes of all who see us. May You hear the sound of our
humble request. Blessed are You, Who hears prayer.
Source: Traditional
.
.
.
.
.
.
__________________

* "No, you are not the same
woman. You have made plans."
Neruda’s “Cuerpo de Mujer”

2006-04-20T00:35:00.000+03:00

"There's nothing I like less than bad arguments for a view that I hold
dear."
Daniel Dennett

"Arguments over grammar and style are often as
fierce as those over IBM versus Mac, and as
fruitless as Coke versus Pepsi
and boxers versus briefs."
Jack Lynch

Boys..
please stop the fighting.

thank you.

Sex, stalkers, and the saudi blogsphere

2006-04-14T14:42:00.000+03:00

Sex, stalkers, and the saudi blogsphere

Here we go again …

What’s going on :
In saudi, as any priviously new fad, it was only a matter of time until blogging had to go throu the one and only saudi test of quality e5tibar el-jwda elmowa7ad : is it Anti-islamic? Is it a corrupting tool of naïve, corruption-prone, virtuos saudi females?

Annals of a space cowboy wants saudi females to stop blogging about sex.
OCSAB wants liberal/secular saudi bloggers to stop blogging about –among other stuff- what OCSAB conceders anti-islamic.
Anti-OCSAB bloggers (you know who you are) want the OCSAB bunch to.. hmmm.. cannot recall exactly all the things they demand of OCSAB.. (drop the Official part of their name, drop some/most of thier rules, quit the “hollier than thou” attitude, stop stalking and meeting bloggers in –to say the least- impolite ways…etc.)

and the list goes on...

My take on this whole fiasco is..
"I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it" as said by Voltaire. So, fellow bloggers, blog away! Blog about whatever comes to your mind, whatever you need to get out of your system, or whatever you feel the urge to spreed around as a good saudi/muslim. If this is what you chose.

Yes, annals of a space cowboy, if this is what’s on your mind lately, Keep on posting about what you think saudi female bloggers should/should not be blogging about. Cause in my world, you’ll always have the right to be a sexist, if you chose to.

As for you, my OCSAB friends*. Keep the Official bit in your name, you have the right to a hollier than thou attitude/complex. Keep the absurd rules, for as you know everyone has the right to say absurd things in cyberspace if they wish to (liberal and/or secular = anti-islamic.. really funny boys, really funny), keep the anti-english bloggers attitude, cause , once again, you have the right to be racists towards non-100%-najdi/saudi’s and mutli-cultural saudi’s.

As for you, anti-OCSAB bloggers, declaire war on any virtual community that calls itself official, has a hollier than thou attitude, is anti-english lang. bloggers… that is, off course, if you wish to. (I might even join in)

It’s all healthy. Very healthy.. and entertaining as well.

but, what do i know! i'm just a secular/liberal ( i.e. not a muslim, according to OCSAB) english-language-blogger (i.e. inferiority-complex-sufferer, according to GreenTea), who's also a saudi female who blogs about sex...

__________________

* hope you like this title, “OCSAB friends”, better than the one I had for you earlier; Official Community of the Saudi Bastards. Maybe now I can be accepted as an OCSAB member, boy can those people hold a grudge or what! - yes, I gave them the benefit of the doubt and tried, they made it clear that I’m being refused because of this comment on a Farooha post)

PS: forgive the typo's .. no time/will to edit.

الرمل في كل مكان

2006-04-12T10:05:00.000+03:00

What vengeance does your body seek,
your arms so strong
around me? Desperate thirst,
throat so dry I cannot drink
from your breasts, warm and
overflowing with the milk of all mothers.

_______________________Pablo Neruda

استيقض مبكره. اشرب قهوه سعودية مُرّه. البس لأغطي كل ما يدل على اني لستُ ذَكَر. لدي اجتماع مهم اليوم. لا احد غيرنا, انا و الذي يسميني الأميرة الصغيرة , مستيقظ في منزلي و الناس نيام . نشاهد الاخبار سوياً بصمت. يرسل لي رسالة بعدما يغادر كلانا لعمله تقول " اتمنى ان تكون الحياة تعاملك بأفضل مما تعاملني يا اميرتي الصغيره" . لدي اجتماع في مكان بعيد, في المدينة التي لا احب و لا تحبني. في الطريق اقرأ الصحف اليومية: السعودية و الغير سعودية. الطريق خالي إلا من صوت فيروز, "خدني على تلاتها الحلوه". الرمل في كل مكان.

اصل لموعدي مبكره. اتحدث مع اناس لا اعرفهم عن امور لا تهمني؛ المستثمر الصغير و انضمام المملكة لمنظمة التجارة العالمية, وزارة العمل الجديدة و تأشيرات العمال- او بالأصح انعدامها, وفود اجنبية من ايطاليا المانيا الصين المريخ .. اشرب قهوه امريكية مُرّه . يقول لي الذي يدير الاجتماع "لا داعي لتُعَرّفي بنفسك. قد عرفتك من صوتك". الكل يصمت و ينظر لي للحظه . تقول لي احداهن بعد الاجتماع " فعلاً صوتك جميل . دائماً عندما تتحدثين تتغير وجوه الحضور. الرجال بالذات, طبعاً. يقولون انه ديفورسيه حديث –مطلق-. يجب ان تعملي كمذيعة في الراديو", أبتسم و لا اجيب و لا هي تنتظر مني ان اجيب. استقل سيارتي. اعود لمنزلي خارج حدود المدينة التي لا احب و لا تحبني. الطريق خالي الا من صوت فيروز, "ردني الى بلادي". الرمل في كل مكان.

اصل مبكره. مازال الكل نائم. اوقض الذي لا يحبني و لا احبه ليرحل قبل ان يصل زوار يوم الاثنين و يقولوا تحبه و يحبها و تحب ناقتها بعيره. يرجوني ان انام بقربه دقيقه. يضع رأسه في حجري كما اعتاد, لا اتحرك- كما اعتدت. يعود للنوم. حتماً اذكره بتلك التي كانت تحبه . "عطرك.. عطرك.. اتلوميني ان عضضتك بالأمس و انتِ , وحدك أنتِ, حتى في الصباح رائحتك كالحلوى؟" يقول لي وهو يغلق الباب خلفه. اتصال من العمل, يرن منبه هاتفي بصوت فيروز تقول "يا جبل البعيد.. خلفك حبايبنا". الرمل في كل مكان.

الساعة مازالت مبكره. اصعد لغرفة نومي حيث انام أنا و الذي يحبني منذ 13 عام. اخلع كل ما ارتديه. " مع من كنتِ على الهاتف؟ سمعت صوتك.. أتتحدثين مع حبيب القلب البعيد؟" يسألني بسخرية و هو نصف نائم. لا اجيب. تعودنا على ان يسأل عن ما لا يرغب معرفته, و أن لا أجيب. استلقي بقربه عارية. نمارس العداء لا الحب. تصلني رسالة من حبيب القلب البعيد. تصل متأخره ساعتان- أو هو فارق التوقيت بيننا. لا يهم. " اراك تشربين القهوة, اراك على الطريق الخالي الا من الرمل. اراك و اسمع صوت فيروز" كتب لي منذ ساعات .

لا ارد الرسالة . لا انام.
و الرمل مازال في كل مكان.

حوار بينهما

2006-04-09T16:28:00.000+03:00

..
..
..
..

يتصل بها, ليسألها عن ما تنوي ارتداءه, في حفله تنكريه سيحضرانها بعد ثلاثة ايام...

- سأحضر بملابسي العاديه.

- و لكنها حفله تنكريه, الجميع سيحضر بزي تنكري يا عزيزتي

- نعم. نعم, أعلم ذلك. سأكون متنكره كبغي

- ماذا! ..كيف؟

- بسيطه, لو كنت محامي و حضرت بملابسك العادية الست متنكراً كمحامي؟

- و لكنك لا تبدين كبغي

- لم أقل اني ابدو كبغي, قلت اني سأحضر بشخصيتي الحقيقية؛ بغي.

- لا تقولين هذا عن نفسك

- لم أقل شيء غير الواقع

- و الواقع انك بغي؟

- نعم

- كيف؟

- ما هي البغي في نظرك؟

- ما هي البغي في نظركٍ انتِ؟

- بالمعنى المتعارف عليه, هي سيده منحله اخلاقيا بالنسبه لقيم المجتمع الذي تقيم فيه

- و أنتِ منحله اخلاقيا؟

- نعم

- حبيبتي انتِ لستِ منحله اخلاقيا

- بلا, الست امارس الجنس معك و انت متزوج؟

- نعم, و لكن هذا لا يعني انكِ منحله اخلاقياً... فلا أحد يعرف هذا عنك, اولاً ... ثم اننا بعلاقة حب منذ ان كنا صغاراً

- ذات الشيء! ... الم اتنقل خلال الثلاثة سنوات الماضية بين 20 عشيق/زوج محتمل على الأقل ؟

- ليسوا عشرين

- بل اكثر

- قد يكونوا.. ليس مهم.. المهم , لا تتحدثي عن نفسك هكذا

- حاضر, حاضر , لن اتحدث عن نفسي بتاتاً...سأتحدث عنك, دع عنك تنكر "هتلر" و احضر كالقواد الخاص بي رجاءاً

- ههه (يضحك بصوت مرتفع)... و ماذا ارتدي يا حبيبتي لأبدو كقواد؟

- ملابسك العادية طبعاً!

Don't 2

2006-04-08T09:38:00.000+03:00

You’re Not The First,
There were others before.

Never loved one of them..
She loved them all.

Don't

2006-04-05T03:06:00.000+03:00

Don't blink
she might go
She never loved you
I told you so

Oh, what a night!

2006-04-02T23:58:00.000+03:00

Oh, what a Night!

I wore my Dolce & Gabbana rose/stressed/gold/leopard-printed heels and strategically placed a rose flower in my hair. Passed, on my way to Marcel Khalefe’s live performance, by a thing I was invited to for a quick here-look-at-me-I-didn’t-ignore-your-invitation. Where something fascinating unexpectedly happened; I met a blogger.

Wearing my Dolce & Gabbana rose/stressed/gold/leopard-printed heels, I sat on the floor of a fire exit with tens of other’s who, just like me, weren’t deterred by the fact that due to an unexpectedly large show up no more seats were vacant. At the art center’s cultural hall of the national Museum of Bahrain people were singing, laughing, crying, and loving. Never before in my life had I seen so much Humanity in one small hall.

PS: I won’t say who the blogger was and the extraordinary way we met until the blogger has a chance to blog about it (so curious to see the blogger/now-friend’s take on it)

untitled

2006-03-21T23:23:00.000+03:00

اجتماعات

ملتقيات

مواعيد

عمل

سفر

مطارات

مسافرين

حقائب

2006-03-14T23:04:00.000+03:00

The Bastard & I..

سمعتُ في المذياعْ

تحيةَ المشرّدينَ.. للمشرّدينْ

قالَ الجميعُ: كلّنا بخيرْ

لا أحدٌ حزينْ ؛

رسـالة مـن المـنفـى- محمود درويش

.. You held my hand today, I did not mind. We have so much in common, you and I. The bastard and the bitch; the only two who did not survive… 1995.

They all went home, all went home. The good, the bad, and the eternally lost all went home. Us two, oh so promising us two, still walking. We did not survive.. You bit my hand today, I did not mind..

We met each other only once before, we were walking then, ten years ago, still walking today you kissed my hand, I did not mind. Living among strangers is hard, nobody cares for you and I.. Nobody knows what to do with us if they do.

.. Left here, among strangers, strangers who eat fast food, and make love to their pals, you felt at home in my hand, and I did not mind.

2006-03-13T23:43:00.000+03:00

..
..
..
today..
..
..
i have nothing to say.
..
..
..
..
..
..

2006-03-07T23:03:00.000+03:00

An open letter to” My Angel”______
When, thirteen years ago, I called you “My Angel” I should’ve been more specific… For, as you know, “Beelzebub” is an angel, “Azrael” too.

Upon leaving Riyadh, it speaks to me_______
“You must leave..
it’s no coincidence, Eve!
that out of my barren land nothing grows but ..…
Fg3 and Petrol; Sterile-ness and decay”

...

Monologue of a self-proclaimed workaholic

2006-03-05T01:21:00.000+03:00

في طريقي للعمل كل صباح اتذكر هذه الأبيات التي كثيراً ما رددتها علي امي عندما كنت طفله صغيره...

نفسي التي تملك الاشياء ذاهبتاً

فكيف ابكي على شيء اذا ذهبَ

و أفكر

نفسي التي تستيقض, لتشرب القهوة, لتقرأ الصحيفة , لتذهب للعمل
نفسي التي تصلي الى الله, الذي لا تعرفه كثيراً, تصلي كثيراً لينجح العمل
نفسي التي كل يومٍ تعمل بعزم اكبر, بجهد اكثر كي ينجح العمل

نفسي التي لو لم يكن لديها هذا العمل.... لما عرفت بهذه الحياه ما العمل

A salute to all you sweet lovers out there…

2006-03-01T07:59:00.000+03:00

Boy has Flu..

She sms’d him:
let’s apologize to
our friends, get a
hotel room; u rest,
I be with u.

He sms’d her back:
I love you Eve.

Boy has big heart..

You took me out to dinner, fed me.
You made love to me, then bathed me.
You talked to me, you smiled.

You were kind.
when my girlfriend broke up with her BF and cried, You reached for my hand, kissed it, held it, then closed your eyes in awe.
You bought me chocolate when I had my usual PMS cravings.
You kissed me in a street, under the rain.
You wrote me a letter, to read when I miss you.
You bought me a ring, never to take off.
You laughed with me, slept in my arms, talked of your dreams and
hopes.
You watched TV with me, in bed at night.
You cried. You said “please stay”.
You told me how happy I make you feel, how safe.
You called me with sweet little names, I’ve never been called before.
You never held out, never held out…
You loved my perfume, my hands, my French manicure, my Gucci shoes, my jeans pantacor, my silk skirt, my hair.
You never held out, never held out…

Boy has dick..

Boy meets girl..
Boy is sick..

“There’s a Panadol pill..
in Lords hotel..”

Girl can’t think..
Boy has dick..

Girl said “yes,
Yes, oh , yes”
Girl wants to leave..
her hair is a mess.

Boy said, “don’t!”
“Stay, oh, stay”
“Shower, eat, then watch TV”

Boy wrote a letter,
Boy bought a ring.

Boy fell asleep,
Girl didn’t blink.

Boy said, “I love you”,
“never leave me alone”
Girl said “but, why?”
Boy was first
She saw cry.

Boy felt safe,
Boy is small.
Girl bought a tie,
Girl is tall.

Girl said good-bye
got on plane
“you’ll be ok”
“I’ll come back again”

Girl got home
Girl got sick
Girl wants back
To Boy with a dick

2006-02-27T15:57:00.000+03:00

...

-1-

عزيزي الرب,

يقولون انك غير موجود, لكني متأكده من وجودك. فقد رأيتك يوماً, في يناير الماضي, عندما مارس الحب معي. هل اخبرتك انه كتب لي رساله بارده اليوم؟ هه! طبعاً تعرف ذلك, فأنك من قدر له ان يكتبها لي. كان بارداً يا رب؛ الصبي الصغير الذي جعلني اراك, كان بارداً اليوم... . كلا, لم تكن كلمة بذاتها أو جملة معينه. كان اللاحب الذي يملء رسالته لي.
أخاف على صحة عقلي, أخاف على صحة ايماني... قل لي يا رب, أهذه مشيئتك لي؟... اخبرني ماذا يتوجب علي أن اعتقد الآن.

...

-4-

عزيزي الرب,

يقولون بإسمك اني زانية. لن ادخل الجنه يقولون. و لن اشم ريحها. يقولون انهم يعرفونك اكثر مني, فهم يقرأون كتابك اكثر مني. ايعرفون يا رب اني اشمها الآن, اراها الان, اعرفها. ايعرفون انها دعتني لها في يناير الماضي. نعم, دعتني انا. انا ثلثي اهل النار. التي ثالثي الشيطان. انا التي عطري يخافون. فالجنه لا تعرف الخوف يا الله, لا تعرف التفرقه, لا تحقد على بشر لأنك خلقته بلا عقل بلا دين أو بلا ذكر, الجنة مثل امي يا رب تحبني كما انا.
"لا ظلمة, لا خجل, كونا كما ارادكما الله ان تكونا" قالت الجنه لحلمتاي اللاتي لا يعرفون ما يفعلون بهما على هذه الارض اليابسه. اتراهم يا رب يعرفون كم هو قاسي على بشر مؤمن كلام مثل هذا؟

...

2006-02-26T07:39:00.000+03:00

ليه وكل حته بروحها باشم ريحه النيك

تقولش باتناك بقالى من السنين ألوفات

طيب أقول ايه وقدامى وورايا نيك ..

ما عادش فى ايديه الا الكُس أُميات

القصيدة لـ نجيب سرور – من شعراء النكسه – اشهر ما كتبه "لزوم مايلزم"

انتبهت مؤخراً أن الكثير من المدونين العرب يستخدمون كلمات مثل

( fuck ), ( Bitch ), ( ass )..

بكل سهوله , و منهم أنا طبعاً ... مع ذلك لم اجد مدونه واحده تكتب كلمة

( neik )* , ( sharmota ) , ( teez )

سواءاً من المدونات باللغة العربية أو الانجليزية ...

تناقض؟

يمكن.

لأننا نسمعا يومياً في التيليفيزيون, في الأغاني, في العاب الفيديو بالانجليزية لدرجة اننا تآلفنا معها و لم نعد نراها ككلمات اوفنسف , على عكس المرادفات العربية لها؟

ممكن أيضاً .

خوف من حجب مدينة الملك عبدالعزيز التي تقرأ اللغة العربية فقط؟

لا أظن, فالملاحظة تشمل المدونين الغير مقيمين في السعودية.

ما رأيك أنت؟

* وجدت مدونه واحده استخدمت جملة ( bneek emhaaa )
لقراءة نص "كس أميات" الكامل (محجوب في السعودية)
لقراءة نص "لزوم ما يلزم" .. طويل جداً, ملهم جداً, يستاهل القراءة جداً

احاديث سعودية

2006-02-24T07:50:00.000+03:00

قلنا..

قلت و انا اضحك- اقدر اتخيل اللحين البنات المساكين اللي كانت تطلع اسمائهم في اللستات يحمدون الله على البلوتوث

قالت بيأس- ترا فيه لستات بالبلوتوث

قلنا,,

...
قال- نعم, للأسف, هناك سوء نيه دائم و متأصل في كل امرأة حتى تثبت طهرها في مجتمعنا السعودي.. و انظمتنا كلها صممت على هذا الاساس في المدرسة في الجامعة في العمل , في الشارع في السوق في المسجد.. لماذا؟ الاسلام لم يعامل المرأة هكذا, الاسلام يحترم المرأة, لا يحقرها و لا يظلمها و لا يشتبه بها.. الاسلام قال ان المرأة التي تتكلم بإحترام دون مياعه و تلبس بإحتشام دون خلاعه و تراقب تصرفاتها لا يجب الاشتباه بها.. واذا كانت المرأة تحترم نفسها يتوجب احترامها على الجميع

قلت: هه! .. و ماذا عن التي تتكلم " بمياعه" هل يعاملها الاسلام بإشتباه مسبق؟ و الأهم من ذلك, من يحدد ما إذا كان اسلوب امرأةٍ ما مائع او غير مائع؟ على أي مقياس يٌعتَمَد في قياس المياعة؟ في قياس اللباس المحتشم و الغير محتشم بالذات في بلد مثل السعودية حيث يوجد زي موحد للسيدات؟ هل هناك عباءه محتشمه و عباءه غير محتشمه؟ من يحدد ان كانت امرأة ما تراقب تصرفاتها أو لا تراقبها؟.. و كيف يترجم الاسلام هذا الاشتباه لفعل : هل يمنعها هي بالذات من الذهاب للمسجد لانها "مائعه" و بالتالي من المشتبه بهم؟ هل يحجر عليها في منزلها لأنه يشتبه بها لأنها لا تراقب تصرفاتها؟..
اخيراً و ليس آخراً, "الاسلام قال" !!! متى ؟ لمن قال؟ انا شخصياً لا اتذكر انه قال لي ذلك.

2006-02-20T15:30:00.000+03:00

جلست على السرير بإنتظار وصوله. بإحدى يداي واقي ذكري و بالأخرى جهاز الريموت كنترول, اقلب المحطات و انا اعرف انه ما من جديد على التفاز. علمت اني سأرى القتلى العشرين اليوميين في بغداد أو الفلوجه أو تلك الأخرى لا يهم ما أسمها. و النقاش المعتاد عن ان الشيعة اشد خطراً على المسلمين من اليهود. و الطفل الامريكي الذي يقتل نصف مدرسته "لأن الله قال له أن يفعل ذلك".

وقفت عند النافذة ذات المنظر. لحق بي , وقف بجانبي. محطة تذيع صوت فيروز "أديش كان فيه ناس..". وقفنا بصمت لحظات, كلانا يفكر "اتمنى لو ابقى هنا للأبد", كل لسببه الخاص.

هو ينظر للسماء, التي سأختفي خلفها بعد ثلاثة ايام. "من سيهتم بي يوم الجمعه؟", كثيراً ما سألني خلال الاسبوع الماضي. أنا أنظر لـ"سوليدير", الساعة الحادية عشر مساءاً الآن, ناسي هناك, السعوديون هناك الآن. بنات وطني الآن يتحرقن من مقاعدهن العفيفة-البعد لكل ما هو حيّ. مجموعات النساء تناقشن الزي اللائق بالفتاة السعودية. و الأولاد, طبعاً الاولاد, بلاكلل, تحركهم غرائزهم النقيه ليلحقوا بما تم تلقينهم منذ الصغر انه الشيطان؛ المرأة. "من سيعاملني بلطف يوم الجمعه؟" داومت على سؤاله مؤخراً.

أنا هنا الآن, لا ارتدي شيئاً غير قميصه البني. بعيده عن كل ما أعرف. كل ما كنت أعتقد اني اعرف. فكل شيء قيل لي آل الى لا شي. انا هنا الآن بلا قناعات مسبقه. بلا ايمان. اراقبه يحدثني عن قصص من طفولته بسعاده , يحدثني عن مستقبلنا, اين سنسكن, خاتم جدته الذي اوصت ان يعطيه لعروسه... انا هنا الآن , لست الشيطان.

...

2006-02-15T04:07:00.000+03:00

Intro…
I’m still in my unable-to-write-a-damn-thing mode…
but, in fear of all of you fellow bloggers getting tired
of my seemingly lazy blog and deleting it from your
favorites… I’ll post this…. It’s kind of incoherent…
but, Enjoy!

Thought #1
As I was browsing the new arrival section in a bookstore (English), I was surprised at the number of novels by female writers dedicated to narrating their dating accounts/affairs.
Well, the thing is, it made me get this idea, why don’t I write a book about my dating accounts/affairs. No, it won’t be anything like “Banat Elriyadh”. It’ll rather be more like “Sex & the City”… I can picture all those Saudi newspaper writers now who bashed “Raja’ Alsani3” ytr7mon 3leha when they read my novel…

Thought #2

“I love this color on you, eve”, “Your hair looks lovely today, Eve” she said to me as I was getting ready to leave the house looking like shit and obviously been crying. “Have you done something different to it today?” I nodded no. She smiled.
I can feel the embarrassment she’s experiencing. After all, she just killed my dream, and that can be quite embarrassing.

She should’ve said; your hair, which he won’t be touching, nor breathing, nor would it rest safely on his chest today, looks fairly beautiful today eve, considering… that I’ve just killed your dream”

Thought #3

Violence never again!

War never again!

Terrorism never again!

In God's name,may all religions bring upon earth

justice and peace,forgiveness, life and love!

his holiness pope john paul ii - 01.24.2002

آمين

2006-02-08T01:16:00.000+03:00

You are
You are
Home, home where I wanted to go
Home, home where I wanted to go
Home, home where I wanted to go
Home, home where I wanted to go
----------------------------------coldplay (clocks)

yes,
i'm back...
been back for a while now..
just couldn't write a thing.

2006-01-04T08:49:00.000+03:00

..
vacation from work,
..
vacation from blogging....
..

Post 9/11 Saudi Arabia

2005-12-30T03:38:00.000+03:00

part-3-

The one-dollar question: What does WTC, the pentagon, and Saudi Arabia have in common?

When 19 men hijacked four planes, kidnapped hundreds of passengers, and flied them straight into two carefully chosen American targets on 9/11/2001, they were oblivious of the role they were playing in another hijack situation taking place on the other side of the world. 10521 kilometers due east, in a desert land called Saudi Arabia, to be more precise.

You see, Saudi Arabia, the uneventful land of tents and sand, the land of the prophet of “all times/peoples/faiths to come”, the land united with the first Islamic nation in “almadina almonawara” in mind which reserved and defended the rights of even the Jews of almadina, this land has been kidnapped from us -moderate Saudi Muslims - for the last thirty+ years by none other than the -by now infamous- Muslim extremists.

Saudi Arabia’s hijackers, just like the previously mentioned hijackers, presumed total control of every aspect of our lives. They had the first and final say in every aspect one can or cannot imagine. They self-appointed their ignorant elders as our academic consultants, foreign affairs experts, fashion stylists, economic advisors, strategic planning guides, marketing gurus, and even cultural & media connoisseurs. And, like the 9/11 kidnappers, those extremists were heading, not four hundred humans, but rather twenty-two million humans, and a whole nation of great human and geographic wealth to a pre-determined destiny they had pre-planned for us. Our demise.

But, you may ask, what role did the 9/11 hijackers play in the “hijack of Saudi” situation!……. let’s just say that on 9/11 our highjackers masterpieced their own downfall by messing up with the wrong crowd.
……luckily for us, moderate Saudi muslims.

Post 9/11 Saudi Arabia

2005-12-25T00:11:00.000+03:00

Part -2-

Saudi women been 7rbeen (between two wars)

Back in 1991, at the peak of Anti-western sentiments in Saudi Arabia during the first Gulf War, a group of Saudi women took to the streets of Riyadh while driving their cars in a public protest to demand the laws banning Saudi women from driving to be changed in accordance with the rest of the world, and “Logic”.

Less than half an hour later, this rally was abruptly ended when the Saudi religious police “al-hay2a” captured the women, interrogated them, confiscated their cars, confiscated their passports to ban them from leaving the country, fired them from their government jobs (they were re-instated later on), Made public a list of their full names and the names of their male relative guardians “m7rm” to bring shame to any Saudi who belongs to one of the families/tribes mentioned in the notorious “driving ladies” list.

This example has been the “model/prototype” for dealing with anything “female” in Saudi for years to follow, until, ten years later,when in 2001, another type of war was declared on all western nations by a group of mostly Saudi Muslims, which caused a domino effect to take place all around the world, that effect reached Saudi Arabia and led -as a collateral outcome- to Saudi women slowly but steadily getting some of their stolen civil rights back.

2005-12-22T03:00:00.000+03:00

Very Frank Thoughts on my birthday:

-1-
Last year, as people were congratulating me on the anniversary of my slowly but steadily growing SBE (small business establishment) it seemed –to me- like a very sensible thing to do. After all, -1- my SBE had gracefully passed another year of daily struggles; -2- It had held thru it’s critical first five years when, as shown by statistics, 90% of small businesses go bankrupt during their first five years.

Furthermore, when I hear people congratulating couples on their anniversary it makes sense to me as well … the logic goes like: “happy other year of keeping it together when every one else is either separated already or getting a divorce as you two celebrate your tenth”.. Now that’s a real reason for saying “happy anniversary”

But During the last couple of days, whenever someone said to me “happy birthday” or discussed my b-day festivities, I feel kindda like asking them: oh ya! What’s so happy about it?…
Don’t get me wrong here, it ain’t about "oh my God I’m getting older!" Or "oh my God I’m a year closer to dying!" … I’m not that type of gal . To me, celebrating another year passing on something that is still standing requires the “still standing” bitt…. By all means, I don’t see myself as “still standing” ….

I don’t know, maybe I’m a bitt hard on myself !

-2-
For the last ten years I, being a descendant of “Qaseme” origins who hates to see good hard-earned money go to waste, made it a tradition to announce my birthday gift list on the first day of each December to my family/friends/lovers. This year, my sweet fellow bloggers, I broke my tradition …

You see, this year, unlike the previous years, what I want cannot be given to me by humans, no matter how high their credit cards can go. No LV jewelry, custom made shoes flown from across the world, and no mini-vacation to a destination of my choice is on my wish list this year … this year what I want can only be given by a supreme being or a divine intervention…

So here’s my belated 2005 birthday list of gifts I want from GOD himself:
1- A good man…. I can love….. who loves me.

Post 9/11 Saudi Arabia

2005-12-18T07:46:00.000+03:00

Part -1-

Would the real “extremist” please stand up!

Ever since 9/11, Muslims all over the world, millions and millions of them, have been blaming Saudi for “exporting extremist/Wahabe brand of Islam” to their countries/to their Muslims.

Well guess who finally caught up with the blame game!

Yes, the usual suspect - Saudi Arabia - has found itself a scapegoat it can try to shift blame for all it’s mistakes to!

LOOOL … (a six “o”’s looooool, two smilies :-) :-) and a “what the fuck!!!”) a couple of days ago, during the live broadcast of the national Saudi debate (al-7iwar al-watane al-sa3odi), a guy called “sheakh Mosa” was saying repeatedly: “this isn’t the Islam of Saudi, this has been exported to Saudi by the al-ikhwan al-muslimeen movement…”

Ok! This is officially funnier than Seinfeld!

Angry, Venting, make what ever you want of it!!!

2005-12-18T06:58:00.000+03:00

Today’s anti-poem; In Hijaa2 of a lover

You are so good to me I could kill you,
They will never blame me; I’ll plea temporary “sanity”!

“Sanity”, what a sweet, sweet word it is,
You should try it sometimes ….
Anytime..
…for once, my love!

They told me it’ll be ok soon, “just wait and see” they said,
I waited.
They are liars, just like you my love.

“The bright side is everything!”,
“focus on the bright side” they say.
They are sweet; I might kill them too, someday.

Yesterday I was a part of God,
Today is just Wednesday.

For instance, I woke up early today.
I saw two lovers dissecting each other’s eyes
In a beautiful, beautiful operating theatre.

Where did you get this beautiful evil from my love?
a local chemist’s magical potion maybe?…
There are other drugs I’d like you to try.
Pesticides, my love.

__

Random thoughts & glass

2005-12-11T23:07:00.000+03:00

-1-
while I was reading a blog today it said to me:
Hey you!… yes, you! you!….the returning visitor, the one staring at the metal and glass!…..why are you here? What are you running from? …. why aren’t you there, now, doing what you humans do…. talking, loving, working, resting, or surviving!!!…. why did you leave all what’s there, to come here, for the 47th time….. to stare at metal and glass… to read and fill your mind with another human’s thoughts …anything to replace the ones in your head….oblivious to the fact that all thoughts, inner as much as imported, turn bad in a cynical mind like yours…

-2-
They say “the mind sees what the mind wants”…well, I gave a new meaning to this saying today.
Everywhere I turn my head I see living things mating… even when I looked at my mirror, I saw two butterflies going magnificently at it on the cold piece of glass hung on a wall in my bathroom so unbothered by the chaos of my everyday life…..by the sterile-ness of me.

-3-
I drink a cup of instant, black, Davidoff coffee at 7 AM everyday. Then after I shower and get ready for work I drink a tiny cup of Turkish coffee at 9 AM,
and everyday there’s Love, Lots of Love, in my tiny Turkish coffee glass cup that just seems to escape me for the rest of the day.

BREAKING NEWS: i am Elninio

2005-12-10T23:43:00.000+03:00

Remmember elninio, the hurricane? well, i'm it... it seems!coz this came to me via SMS yesterday:

“You are the reason of all your problems!
U + ppl
U + men
U + me
U + ur family
U + u
You bring pain to yourself and everyone

around you, when will you wake up and

do something before it’s too late!!!”

SMS, if you’d ask me, is an acronym for Shitty Message Service

SSS: Saudi Stupid Songs

2005-12-09T19:50:00.000+03:00

In early November of every year for the last ten years , I search the cabinet where I keep my old cassettes for a “Dave Matthews Band” cassette, cause every year at the first glimpse of raindrop on this God forsaken desert I need to hear him –Dave Matthews- say: “could I have been a parking lot attendant, could I have been a millionaire, could I have been anyone other than me …”.
When I get sick and my pharmacophobia kicks in big time from a silly silly silly little pain relief pill that any kid would take with out noticing it ain’t M&M’s I listen to “Alanis Morisette” saying “that I would be good if I got and stayed sick… that I would be good even if I lost sanity”.
When I visit my 30 boys that I have “emotionally adopted” at the orphanage and leave feeling helpless after trading them some of my endless hope with some of their endless despair I listen to Phill Collins say “oh, think twice, cause it’s just another day for you and me in paradise”.
When my forgiving nature falls short of forgiving someone who has done me wrong thirteen years ago I listen to “Match Box Twenty” saying: I wanna push you around, I wanna put you down, yeh I will! yeh I will!”
When I watch another war starting at spring time when people just ought to be loving each other instead I listen to “the cranberries” singing: may you see, it’s not me, it’s not my family in your head, in your head their fighting. With their guns and their bombs and their bombs and their bombs..”
When I expect it’s high time i find my prince charming but have to settle for the time being for prince ain’t-no-amount-of-kissing’s-gonna-make-anything-but-a-bastard-outta-that I listen to “George Michael” singing: so why don’t we make a little room in my BMW babe, searching for some peace of mind, I’ll help you find it. I do believe we are practicing the same religion”

On a slightly different note, whenever I look at Saudi boys/young men happily dancing to “ya leel 5brnee 3n amr alme3anat” in a supposedly “happy” occasion in a live concert of their favorite singer ever “Mohammad Abdu” while on their summer/winter vacations in Beirut, Paris, or London. Or gals/women in wedding parties dancing to their favorite for such an occasion “sob7ano we gidro 3lek we 5alok tinsa a7babk” I wonder: is this country all masochistic?
I have nothing against Arabic songs… new ones … old ones … good ones … bad ones… even ugly ones, and I know there are songs like: min bade alwgt. I just would like to see more songs coming from us Arabs -(especially Saudi’s) who give very high value to values such as: helping the needy, accepting reality as it is, altwkl 3la Allah…etc.- about these subjects and less songs about: well, lost love that ironicaly “we” Saudi’s don’t believe in.

2005-12-08T19:25:00.000+03:00

I write when i feel something, anything.
Something happened a couple of days ago… and I didn't feel anything..
Something bad happened and I stopped feeling... I don't know for how long , but I stopped...

Just a defense mechanism I learned when I was a kid.

2005-12-04T15:10:00.000+03:00

لقاء بين الذين ذهبوا
الحلقة الثالثة: الذين رحلو

س : و ماذا جرا لذاك ؟ الـعشـ ....... الرجل الجديد ؟
ن : رحل! ... رحل مثل كل الذين رحلو ... فهو و عشاقها الكثيرون ... – و منهم أنت يا عزيزي- لستم مجرد عبث من عبثها ... طفلتي الصغيرة تمل دماها بسرعة ... و أنتم كلكم تأتون و ترحلون كما أتيتم , ترحلون دون حتى أن تحصلو على متعة أن تعرفوا أنكم للتو تركتم الجنة ... كلكم, كلكم تذهبون, و أنا فقط الباقي .
س : ( بصوت منخفض) أمتأكد !
ن : من ماذا ؟
س : أنك ........"باقي"؟
ن : ( يرتفع صوته ) هه ! متأكد ؟.... ما هذا السؤال الأبله! ... و كنت بصدق تعتقد أنك -بهذا العقل- تملك فرصة حقيقية معها ! ... أبهذا العقل تستغرب أنها لم تخبرك عني! ... لا بل عن أي شيء!! ... أنت لا تعرف عنها أي شيء ... أي شيء ... كلما تحدثت معك أكثر أتأكد من ذلك ...... فعلاً سؤال أبله!! ... وحدي أنا الذي عرفتها أما أنتم فـ(يقاطعه)
س : أنا أعرف ما يكفيني .. أعرف أنها ..... في زمني القصير معها ....أحبتني ... بصدق و ليس كما تصف ابداً
ن : أحبتك إذاً! .....هه! ( بسخرية )و كيف أحبتك يا "أبو حُب" ؟
س : ... كيف أحبتني ؟.......(يبسط كفيه و يرفع كتفيه) أحبتني ! .........أحبتني .......أحبتني مثلما تحب النساء!..... كانت تحب صوتي, تحب .... قربي منها ... اهتمامي بها ... تحب .... تنام بقرب حاجاتي الصغيرة التي تحتفظ بها ... تقبل صورتي في اليوم مرات .... تشتاق لي ... تحلم بي ... تغرقني برسائلها التي أخبرتها يوماً أن لا أحد يكتب أجمل منـ.. (يقاطعه)
ن : وكما أخبرتها أنا قبلك ...و كما عشيقها الذي حدثتك عنه ...و كما أتوقع أن أخبرها كل عشاقها ... آه كم نبدو نحن مملين مقارنة بها ...... أتعتقد أنها كانت تمل منا فتهجرنا لهذا السبب؟.. ..... تهجرنا لتنتقل لحبيبٍ جديد, لا يمللها .. لا يمللها إلى أن يرتكب أكبر حماقة في حياته, هه! بل وأكبر حماقة في نظرها هي ايضاً ! .... و هي أن يحبها .... أن يحبها رجل.... يحبها فيكلمها بكل توافه قلبه ... بكل التوافه التي يكلم الأحبة العاديون بها بعضهم.. يقول لها عن فقدانه الشهية منذ أن أحبها.. و عن فقدانه القدرة على التركيز.... و فقدانه نفسه التي -بكل سخف- أضاعها بها,و كأنه يتحدثها عن محفظته أو مفتاح منزله ... و هي , (بسخرية) كونها غير بقية نساء الكون...كونها .... حوّاء.... أمنا حوّاء ذاتها! .... لا يسوغها هذا الحديث .... لا يسوغها –كبقية النساء- رجلاً صادقاً يناديها ببساطة مشاعره "يا قلبي" ... يمللها .... هذا الرجل –الصادق- يمللها ... ......هي تنتظر رجلاً يقول لها كلاماً آخر .... كلاماً ملهماً من الله ......من الله الواحد الأحد , و ليس من بطنه أو قلبه !........ أو أي من أعضائة الاخرى!!....... رجل يراها فيقول أنت... أنت من أوجدك الله مني ......أوجدك لي, خصيصاً لي .......ولا شي أقل من ذلك!....... تنتظر رجل يقول لها كلاماً مقدساً ... رجلاً تأتيه النبؤه إذ أحبها ...... رجل فور أن يراها يتفوه بكلام مثل : دعي الكون الجماد و عودي لجسدي ......رجل يقول لها عن جسده "مكانك الذي أخذت منه أول مره" ...... مكانك الذي أخذك منه الله ....و هاهو الله يعيدك..يكرمني فيعيدك.... رجل يقول تعالي نكوّن جسدا واحدا كما شائنا الله أول مره.... هي تنتظر رجل يقول " عظم من عظامي و لحم من لحمي" لا أقل من ذلك .... أبداً... رجلاً يقول كلاماً الهياً ........ تنتظر ذلك الرجل .... ولا ترغب بصدق بغير ذلك الرجل ......... تنتظر و لا تعلم أن هذا الكلام لا يقوله الرجال ... لا يقوله الرجال العاديون اذا احبوا ... حتى الشعراء لن يتمكنوا من قوله لها .... و لا السياسيون من شراءه لها ..... هذا الكلام لا يقوله إلا أمثال اليسوع .... و كلنا نعلم أنه لا أمثال لليسوع في هذه الدنيا ..... كلام كهذا لا نسمعه نحن البشر إلا عبر الأنبياء .... عبر الانبياء ذاتهم...... و عبر الانبياء فقط!!...و لأنكم – انت و كل عشاقها- كلكم ....لستم أنبياء ... فإنكم تمللونها !.......تمللونها فتطردكم و تنتقل لمن لا يمللها ..... لمن لا يمللها, بعد .
س :.....لا لا .....لا أعتقد !...بل كانت تحب أن أناديها يا..... هي أطيب و أبسط... أنا أعرف ذلك عنها على الأقل .... هي تحب الحب ... و تموت دونه.... أنا متأكد من ذلك
( يتذكر كل منهما حواراته معها, يتذكران ردات فعلها, و يتسائلان أيهما يحدث حقيقتها. إن كانت لها حقيقة واحدة! )

GIVE ME A BREAK!!!

2005-12-02T16:58:00.000+03:00

First Saudi women elected to Jeddah’s chamber of commerce board :
Whenever there’s Saudi’s discussing this subject, or other similar matters, one cannot but notice a re-occurring sentence.”…. so Saudi women could prove to the world that they are capable of blah blah blah…” I’ve heard it on TV, read it in newspapers, I even came across it on different blogs.

Well, my dear People who say this sentence…. I have some NEWS for you!!!!
Saudi women DO NOT have to “prove” shit for “the world”.

You see, “the world”, does not suspect nor have a pre-conceived notion of incompetence on part of Saudi females! As a matter of fact, if you haven’t heard, “the world” stopped having those kinds of ideas regarding any Human since… huh!… the fuckin dark ages!!!

So next time you feel inclined to say such a comment try to place credit where it’s due and rather chose from the following whatever may suit your taste: prove to gender-segregated-Saudi, to Saudi’s sexist men, to Saudi’s religious extremists, or even to Saudi wahabi’s….. I don’t care, as long as you say anything but “to the world”!!!
Thank you!

black abaya, black-hearted man

2005-12-01T12:14:00.000+03:00

I drink my black coffee
I wear a black abaya, black sunglasses, and black shoes
I get into a black car, with a black chauffeur
I watch the black asphalt all the way
I go a long way…. A very long way, to meet a man with a black, black heart.
( Saudi. 1995)

I drink my white coffee
I wear a white dress, white sunglasses, and white shoes
I get into a white car, with a white chauffeur
I watch the white clouds all the way
I go a long way … a very long way, to meet a man with a black, black heart.
( Lebanon. 2000)

I drink nothing
I wear nothing
I stay in bed
I read from a Quran on my lap
The black, black-hearted man still finds me.
( France. 2005)

this one's for you raf*

2005-11-30T00:51:00.000+03:00

my fellow blogger, my fellow muser,

raf*

who categorized my blog with the

"Indescribably Fascinating" blogs

said that he's "very much in favor of bloggers

posting e-mail addresses in their profiles"...

...

so here's mine : kingdom_thy_come@hotmail.com

I write rubbish, and my pharmacophobia

2005-11-29T08:30:00.000+03:00

….do you know who eats alone? Only vultures do. Humans eat with other humans…. . Since you were gone, my life-long companion, I … I eat alone.

Since you were gone my one true friend … I became friendless ….. I made a blog to talk to strangers on.

Our friend, Mrs. A, called me today. She gave me the headache you always said her calls give … but for another reason … she did what I dreaded and avoided for weeks…. she asked me about you….

I stopped listening to Rachmaninoff … since you -my only true equal- were gone …. I can’t read, and I write rubbish.

Since you were gone -my day and night nurse, I go to my hospital appointments alone…. I hear good news….. alone ….. I have to explain to strangers my episodes of pharmacophobia ……. I have to explain…. while almost going thru one……. Since you were gone I buy the medicine alone, I agonize whether to take it or not to for hours and hours ….alone , since you were gone, I don’t take any of my medications cause I fear going thru a panic-attack alone, I decide to seek help from a professional psychiatrist but then I decide not …. Cause I don’t wanna go alone.

P.S.: Pharmacophobia- Fear of taking medicine, or drugs.

2005-11-26T13:00:00.000+03:00

لقاء بين الذين ذهبوا

الحلقة الثانية: هي.. وقصصها

س :... أذكرها مرة ... في أول علاقتنا... أول صدمتي بحبي لها ... وقبل أن أعترف لها به... كنت أحاول جاهداً أن أوهمها -و أوهم نفسي- أن ضيقتي الغير عادية عند سفرها عني ما هي إلا بسبب أمور يومي المزعجة في تلك الفترة , قالت لي يومها " لو راعك شيء, حبك المفاجيء لي مثلاً, قل لي بكل وضوح "أحتاج تطمينك الآن" , و سأطمئنك " ........................ فعلاً حبها هو الجنة ..

(يتنبه "س" أن "ن" ينظر له بحقد )

س : أعتذر ... أعتذر ... نسيت نفسي ... لم أشأ أن أسرد عليك قصص تجرحك ... أعتذر مرة أخرى

ن : لا داعي للإعتذار .. صدقني لم تجرحني... لقد رأيت منها الكثير ... ... و بات من المستحيل جرحي الآن.... أنت تتذكرها ...و أنا ايضاً أتذكرها ...في الحقيقة أتذكرها أكثر مما أرغب أو أطيق. أتَذَكّر رائحة شعرها , يداها الصغيرتان تمسكان بطرف قميصي كطفلة تخاف أنها لو أطلقته ستضيع ... كطفلة لا تعرف أنها لو أطلقته أنا الذي سيضيع! أتذكر صوتها, صوتها الذي أحب , صوتها الذي لا يتكلم بل يغني , و أنا , أنا أسمعه فأرقص فرحاً , كآبة الدنيا تقبع في صدري و أرقص فرحاً....... أنت تتذكرها, و أنا أتذكرها ... أتَذَكّر عقلها الذي كنت أحيا به ...عقلها , آه من عقلـ..(يضحك و لا يكمل الكلمة) ..ههه!..أتعرف! .. ذات مرة ... كانت أول مرة تتخذ عشيقاً عليّ .. كنا على وشك الانفصال, فاتخذت عشيقة عليها علّ غيرتها تعيدها لي ... و أحضرت العشيقة لتبات عندي ليلة ... و دعوتها في منزلي لترانا الإثنان معاً.. لترا ان غيرها اخذت مكانها ... عساها تحن لي, أو بشكل أدق : تحن علي .. .. لا تنظر لي هكذا ! نظرتك تنم عن أنك فعلاً لم تعرفها! أبداً! ... تقول في خاطرك "يالقساوته على تلك الفتاة الصغيرة" ... هي من علمني القسوة كلها يا من لا يعرف عنها شيئاً !! ....المهم, أتعرف ماذا فعلت؟ لبت تلك الدعوة بكل سرور. ارتدت أجمل ملابسها و حليها, وضعت العطر الذي أحب , و أظهرت من جسمها ما أحب , و كحلت عيناها –كما لم تفعل من زمان- كما أحب ...و لبت الدعوة .... تحدثت عن نجاحها و حزمها في أعمالها ... عن فلسفتها في الحياة و الدين ... عن قلبها و أعمالها الخيرية ....عن الكتب التي تقرأ و كتاباتها..... أرادت –بدهائها- أن يراها الجميع مقارنةً بالعشيقة الجديدة –ومنهم أنا و العشيقة طبعاً- قوية, ناجحة, صغيرة, ذكية, جميلة, حنونه.......... سرقت الأنظار -بخبثها- من كل النساء , حتى من ضيفة الشرف ذاتها ... التف الكل حولها و كأنهم مجرد أولاد صغار يستمعون لسوبرمان –شخصياً- بمزيج غريب من الإعجاب و الغيرة ...و كنت أنا أولهم ....... لبت الدعوة و أستمتعت بها كثيراً حتى أنني ظننت –كما ظن الجميع و منهم العشيقة- أني خرجت من قلبها تماماً, بل ظننت أنها لم تحبني قط. .... (بسخرية) أتعرف ماذا فعلت "الفتاة-الصغيرة-السهلة-الإيذاء" في اليوم التالي ؟ .... كتبت قصيدة أرّختها بتاريخ الليلة السابقة و أرسلتها للعشيقة تسألها عن رأيها بقصيدتها الجديدة , و قد كانت العشيقة –الساذجة- أبدت لها في الليلة الماضية رغبتها أن تقرأ لها يوماً - كنوع من المجاملة, اسمع ما تقول القصيدة

" أي سُكنى تبحثين - سيدتي – في من

أنا له السُكنى ...

أنا الوجهةُ ...

...وأنا البقاء .

صبره- و إن دعاكِ - ينتظرني .

عينه -وهي تراكِ – ترقبني .

صوته -الهامس في أذنيكِ- يحادثني .

فكره -المصغي لأعتى مصائبكِ- يتأملني .

و ما أنت سوا دميةٌ بلهاءْ !

و إن بدا لكِ يوماً غيرَ ذلكَ - سيدتي-...

فليست دائماً كما تبدو لنا الأشياءْ !" *

( يضحك ... يصمت ... ثم يضحك مرة أخرى بشكل أقرب ما يكون للهيستيريا ... يصمت ..)

س : (بصوت منخفض )......... لم أكن أعرف أنها تكتب الشعر ؟

ن : كثيرة هي الأشيء التي لا تعرفها عنها يا صديقي ... و لن تعرفها الآن أبداً

س : و ماذا فعلت بها العشيقة ؟

ن : هه! بعد هذه الاهانات! .... تركتني لها طبعاً

س : و ماذا فعلت أنت ؟

ن : عدت تائباً لها ... تائباً معترفاً بأنها حوّاء , و أن البقية كلهن -و ليست فقط العشيقة - مجرد دمى رخيصة على شكل حوّاء
(يضحك الاثنان كثيراً . ينسيان للحظة من هما و يضحكان كأي صديقين قديمين . يتوقف الضحك فجأة... ينظران لبعضهما ... ينظر كل منهما لأي شيء حوله .......يفكران بها و ببعضهما )

________________________________________________________
ملاحظات :
* من قصيدة ( الى ل : لتعرفين مالا تعرفين ) من يرغب قرائتها يجد نصها كاملا في هذا الرابط

اولا – لمن سألني عن "س"... لمن اشتبه عليه أن يكون "س" المذكور بالقصة هو "سليمان" ..... مع الحلقات الجاية سيتضح لك من هو "س"

ثانياً – اعرف ان النص ملـــــــــــــــئ بالاخطاء الاملائية لاني اكتبه و ما عندي وقت له

... سأنقحه لاحقا (في إجازتي)...... و لكن اي نيد يور هيلب .... أرغب بتحليل أدبي بسيط

.... بالتالي : كقصة.... هل هي متكاملة ؟ .... متسلسلة ؟ ....... محيرة؟؟ مشوقة ؟ ......هل فيها أخطاء في الحبكة

... يعني معلومة خطا؟ .... رأيك عموماً في سيرها كقصة!

ما تحليلك للشخصيات ؟ .... الثلاث شخصيات هي / س / ن ؟ ...... أو أي منهم؟

....ماذا تستشف من وراء كلماتهم ؟ ...... ذكائهم ؟....مشاعرهم؟........ صدقهم فيما يقولون؟.........نواياهم الحقيقية؟

2005-11-25T03:41:00.000+03:00

لقاء بين الذين ذهبوا

الحلقة الأولى : هُما

...
س : منذ ثلاثة عشرة سنة ؟؟؟ ... كيف من الممكن أن تحبها منذ ثلاثة عشرة سنة؟ وكم كان عمرها آن ذاك ؟
ن : نعم, ثلاثة عشر سنة. أحببتها و هي ماتزال طفلة, طفلة لا تعرف بأنها ستكون ملكة يوماً ما. أحببتها و أحبتني هي ايضاً و أعطتني منها الكثير. أحبتني بقلبها ذاك الذي لم ولن تعرفه ...قلبها الأول الذي مات منذ عام99. أما أنت فحتى و ان كانت أحبتك ... فبأي قلب؟ ... الصدء! ... الملوث بمئات خيبات الأمل ؟ ... المليءبـ ... أتعرف فرحتها بقلبها القديم؟ ... قل لي أتعرف شوقها بقلبها القديم؟

...آه , ذكرتني بما لا أقوى على تذكره. قد أخذتني للجنة مرة ... و ما زلت هناك ...

حتى عندما كنت أقول لها في أصعب أيامي معها " أرجوك ... أفعلي أي شيء , أي شيء ينتزع حبك مني ...فأنا لا أريد أن أحبك" حتى آن ذاك كان بعضي مايزال هناك ... في جنتها يسعد . أبعد هذا تجادلني! أنت ! ... من تكون أنت ! أنت لا شيء , لم تكن شيء بالنسبة لها ...
س : أنا الذي قلت لها " أرجوك أسمحي لي أن أحبك, فقط اسمحي لي , فأنا أريد أن أحبك "

(تسود لحظة صمت طويلة ... يدرك الإثنان لأول مرة أنهما كانا يؤديان دوراً واحداً لسيدة واحدة يحنان لها كثيراً ... يحنان معاً)

R e l a t i o n s h i p C o n t r a c t ! ! ! ! !

2005-11-23T15:14:00.000+03:00

People!…..

Am I the only one who suffers too many breaches of contract? (I mean that unspoken contract two people willingly abide themselves to when they start a romantic relationship) …..

Am I the only one who’s in such complicated, messed up relationships that I sometimes wish I had a written contract to regulate the whole damn thing!!!! ….

For instance, everybody knows that when u start a relationship (in which u didn’t clearly state that it’s a life-long relationship) you have /reserve the right to pull out of when ever this relationship starts causing you mischief… you might tell me that it doesn’t need stating nor negotiating, right! Well, not always. Because some partners for some mysterious reason do not get this. Another example would be those partners that think they have a right to breach your unspoken contract yet not suffer any penalties.

Well, since I’ve been reading too many law books this year (for work)… I drafted the following: previous post

T h e C o n t r a c t

2005-11-23T13:19:00.000+03:00

عقد منظم لعلاقة إنسانية

الطرف الاول ___________________________ ( و سيشار له لاحقاً في هذا العقد بـ الطرف الأول ) يحمل بطاقة هوية رقم ______________ الصادرة من ___________بتاريخ _/_/_____م

الطرف الثاني ___________________________ (و سيشار له لاحقاً في هذا العقد بـ الطرف الثاني ) يحمل بطاقة هوية رقم ______________ الصادرة من ___________بتاريخ _/_/_____م

اقدم الطرفان السابق ذكرهما بموجب التوقيع على هذه الوثيقة بتاريخ _/_/____م على التعاقد و الاتفاق على مايلي:

البند الاول : نوع العلاقة
ينظم هذا العقد علاقة □ عاطفية □ صداقة قد تؤدي للحب □ الحب
□ الـ__________________________________ بين الطرفين المتعاقدين

البند الثاني : مدة هذا العقد
لمدة □ غير محددة □ عدد( ) سنوات □ عدد ( ) أشهر ,على أن تبدأ بتاريخ _/_/______م و تنتهي بتاريخ _/_/_____م على أن تكون أول ثلاثة أشهر (أو 90 يوماً) فترة تجربة يحدد فيها الطرفان مدا رغبتهما بإستمرارية من انهاء هذا العقد

البند الثاني : حقوق الطرفين المتعاقدين
- التعامل الحسن بأدنى حد مقبول (كما هو العرف لنوع العلاقة المنصوص عليها في البند رقم (1) في المنطقة موضوع العقد)
- تقبل قدرات و مهارات الطرف الآخر كما هو (وقت توقيع هذا العقد )
- تقبل –بشكل مسبق- أي تحولات نفسية أو جسمانية أو ظرفية أو مادية قد تطرأ على الطرف الآخر لظروف خارجه عن إرادته أو تحتمها عليه مستجدات الحياة (مستقبلياً و طوال مدة التعاقد)

البند الثالث : مسوغات فسخ العقد
يجوز لأي من الطرفين فسخ هذا العقد إذا قام الطرف الآخر بأي مما يلي:
- التعاقد مع شخص/جهه أخرى ( و يجوز استثناء هذه النقطة في بعض العلاقات أو بناءاً على أي ظروف خارجية مع حتمية أن ينص العقد صراحةً على كيفية هذا الاستثناء )
- اقدامه على أي عمل (و يجوز الاكتفاء بالنية الصريحة ) فيه أو قد يتسبب بإضرار بمصلحة الطرف الآخر (مادياً / معنوياً / نفسياً / اجتماعياً ) بشكل مباشر أو غير مباشر
- التذمر لمدة تزيد عن ( 7 ) يوم للموضوع الواحد
- الإيذاء الجسدي أو اللفظي (و يستثنى منه ما يتم من إيذا متعمد و مرغوب خلال العلاقة الجنسية بين الطرفين, جسدياً كان أو لفظي)

البند الرابع : فسخ العقد
يحق لأي طرف يثبت للطرف الآخر عدم التزامه بالحقوق المنصوص عليها في البند رقم (2 ) أو بقيامه بمسوغات فسخ العقد المذكورة في البند رقم (3) أن يقوم بفسخ هذا العقد دون أن يترتب عليه أي من العقوبات الوارد ذكرها في البند رقم ( 5 ). بشرط أن يخطر الطرف الآخر مسبقاً , و يمنحه مهله للبحث عن بديل أقصاها 15% من المدة المنصوص عليها في البند رقم (1) , أو سنة للعقود غير محددة المدة.

البند الخامس : جزاءات الفسخ الغير مسبب للعقد
اذا قام طرف بفسخ هذا العقد دون مبرر من مسوغات فسخ العقد السابق ذكرها في البند رقم ( 3 ) فيجوز للطرف الآخر استخدام كل أو أي من الجزاءات التالية بحق الطرف المخل بالعقد لمدة أقصاها 50 % من المدة المنصوص عليها في البند رقم (1) أو 3 سنوات للعقود غير محددة المدة على أن لا يتعدى هذه المدة بأي حال من الأحوال :
- الإستمرار بمحاولات الصلح
- التمسكن و التحسيس بالذنب
- إلقاء اللوم على الطرف المخل بالعقد على كل المصائب التي تجري في حياة الطرف المتضرر
- التواجد بقرب الطرف الآخر عنوةً و كأن شيئاً لم يحدث "غير المسبوق بدعوة" ( و يستثنى مكان العمل )
- الاساءه اللفظية ( شفهياً , وجهاً لوجه , أو بأي من تقنيات الإتصال الحديثة , بأي لغة من اللغات)
- الهجاء و كتابة الشعر (دون تشهير)

البند السادس :
عند نشوب أي خلاف على هذا العقد أو أي من بنوده تكون الجهه المتحاكم اليها هي
* صديق مشترك ( ينص العقد على اسمه ____________________________)
* قريب لأحد الطرفين ( ينص العقد على اسمه _________________________)
* جهه أخرى ( ينص العقد على اسم _______________________________)

البند السابع : شروط خاصه يضيفها أي من الطرفان
* _____________________________________________________
* _____________________________________________________
* _____________________________________________________
* _____________________________________________________

&&& و الله الموفق &&&

الطرف الأول الطرف الثاني
__________________________________ __________________________________
التوقيع: التوقيع:

My mom, me, and Beethoven

2005-11-19T00:28:00.000+03:00

Whoever has created

An abiding friendship,

Or has won

A true and loving wife,

All who can call at least one soul theirs,

Join in our song of praise ;

"Ode To Joy"

One of the earliest childhood memories that i have, is that of me, in afternoons playing with my toys quietly on the study-room’s floor, my mom’s on her desk preparing for one of her university exams, while Beethoven’s “ode to joy” is playing in the background.

When ever i remember this period of my life or those afternoons, i feel peace and serenity ..... everything was quiet back then ; our home, my mom, Beethoven, and -most importantly- my mind.

Angry.. Venting… don’t make much of it!

2005-11-17T11:38:00.000+03:00

“Eve You are killing me!…killing me!
killing my love for you.. you are…
any spontaneity we might still have you -with your secrecy- ..you killed!
Enough is enough! I got it already! You are ashamed of us! Ashamed of me! I got it it! Ashamed of being in a relationship with me… no need to torture me more … I got it !!
you treat me the same exact f#%*n way you treat your employees…
With all this, this damn secrecy orders…
this overdone cautiousness…
“lower your voice!”
“don’t say my name!”
“don’t speak in front of the help!”
don’t ! don’t ! don’t !…who fuckin cares about your love-life Eve?
who do you think you are? Ha!
Am I in love with one of the… the …the British royal family with out me knowing?? Answer me ya queen Elizabeth !!
Do you think you’re that important!!!
Who Do You THINK Is Watching You ?
Are you a mossad secret agent and haven’t told me!!!
Ha! Answer me! … listen to me Eve! I’ll talk where I wanna talk and I’ll say what I wanna say in front of whom I ever I wanna!!!!! Did you hear me!”

This person just doesn’t understand shit!!! …
Yes, I have gone overboard with it. Yes, I am paranoid when it comes to scandals. And yes, I mean to be even more secretive than Princess Diana because, to my dismay, I AM CONCIDERED MORE OF A ROYALTY in my social circles than she was in the UK. What that person doesn’t get is that I have ALL the right to be paranoid; if someone has a gun stuck to your head what kind of a f%$#in imbecile would blame you if you act with caution? …. No one! Furthermore, what stupid f%#k would demand that you react any different because that gun has been stuck there for … let’s say… five years!…ten years!… would it even make any difference if it has been there for FIFTEEN YEARS? Doesn’t take a genius to know that it doesn’t!

As any f%#$en Saudi gal I have had, not a gun, but a whole arsenal which I call “eve’s-personal-life-fan-club”, a war zone of preying eyes and ears and asses following me where ever I go, what ever I do… at school, at collage, at work, at social events, in my car, in the street, in a shopping mall, even in another continent!!! When I’m a model, God-fearing, all virtuous Saudi gal just as much as and as persistent as in my liberated, in-your-face phases … you name it, In Saudi Arabia we have just the appropriate scandal that goes with it! And with all the oil money we even have just the right technology to exploit it to its maximum scale!

P.S:
-1- I hate this post. I hate the fact that by writing about it I am in fact dignifying this pattern of ill behavior (I.e., interfering and peeping into people’s personal lives). I consider it beneath me to get into such retarded methods.
-2- PEOPLE! Comment with caution, coz I’m mad as hell ;-) … (very stressful week).

A small hint: I can trash-talk Saudi coz I’m half Saudi, and I lived here for a while so I’ve earned it!… if you’re a Saudi you can trash-talk Saudi too.

On my way to a meeting today I saw… (part1)

2005-11-15T23:16:00.000+03:00

On my way to a meeting today I saw something I’ve never seen before …. At least, I’ve never REALLY seen before…. I saw People!

I saw people walking… some in a hurry, others seemed to be going so slow as if they had nowhere to go to…. I wondered where they all might be going to.. I wondered will their journeys be easy or hard… what do they hope they’ll accomplish by getting there… do they even have hopes and dreams or were they hope-less?.. will they get what they want.. or will their efforts be wasted? …

On my way to a meeting today I saw people walking… and I asked God to bless them all.

I saw people at a hospital’s entrance… some were going in, others were going out… and I wondered were they patients or hospital workers?… did the sick ones have a loved one who’ll be by their side in sickness as in health? or will they have to go thru this among strangers?… will this loved one stick around day after day after day after day … will they stick around when things get tough? … and who’s gonna take care of the loved one when they need to be taken care of ?

On my way to a meeting today I saw people at a hospital’s entrance.. and I asked God to grant good health to them all.

I saw people getting out of their homes… some from luxurious villas, others from old apartment buildings… and I wondered are their homes a place where they find the happiness they need and deserve; love, family, safety, calmness … or are they just loveless and unsafe concrete walls to hide from the night in?… I wondered were they happy when they were in them? Or are they happy to have left?

On my way to a meeting today I saw people leaving their homes… and I asked God to let their homes be a sanctuary to them all.

I saw people from other countries… some were from neighboring countries, others were from countries continents away …… and I wondered are they homesick?.. do they long for the smell of their country’s air, trees, soil? … will they ever see those lands they so long for ever again or will they die as foreigners and be buried in another man’s land?… do they wait impatiently for -their lifeline- the next letter or phone-call from a loved one they left back at home? … what hard situations or sweet hopes made them come so far?.. will they get what they came so far and worked so hard for?

On my way to a meeting today I saw people from other countries… and I asked God a safe, triumphant return for them all.

2005-11-11T00:01:00.000+03:00

At some point during the last couple of years I’ve become fiction-intolerant..
well! I’m almost what you’d call a “news-junkie”.. or rather a “documentary-junkie” . My TV. watching hours of any day are spent clicking between; MS-NBC, BBC, Sky news, Fox news, aljazeera, al-arabeya, al-hurra, Discovery channel, Animal planet, BBC learning…etc.
This new phase caught my attention when I developed a daily routine of watching some news show called “a5bar almnateq” (provinces news) for a country that I don’t live in!!!
I still can tolerate foreign fiction/movies of any origin if it ain’t American!!! Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against anything American… it’s just that I watched sooooo many American/Hollywood films or sitcoms that when ever I’m watching a new flick I can tell within the first five minutes and in vivid detailed description who’s gonna say what, to whom, when, and why ( + I like anything British though.. their sense of humor still make me laugh and their drama’s are deep and surprising even for a seen-it-all kindda viewer like me )
One thing American fiction I’ll never stop watching is Seinfeld.

Sexual deprivation vs. other kinds of deprivation..

2005-11-09T09:40:00.000+03:00

During the holly month of Ramadan, a Muslim is supposed to deprive his/her self of all the pleasures of the flesh I.e., eating, drinking..etc. which’ll give him/her a first-hand experience of the pains of the poor and the not-so-fortunate I,e, the deprived! Thus, creating a charitable, closely tied community.

This made me think of the following:
-1-first thought
if: Hunger and thirst are supposed to make you sympathize with the poor and the-have-nots
if: Being weakened by hunger is supposed to make you sympathize with the sick
then: But was abstaining from sexual activities supposed to make you sympathize with the sexually deprived? For example, to be more tolerant to sexual discrepancies.. such as adultery! Was that what God intended?..
it seems so logical to me.

-2-second thought
Why doesn’t anybody try to help this neglected category of the deprived? You see good people -Muslims and non-Muslims- collecting charity money to feed, cloth, cure the poor and the sick.. but never to help the sexually deprived , why? Why not establish a new charity that helps the sexually deprived? They certainly do deserve helping as much as the poor and the sick …

P.S.: hmmm… forgive my strange ideas.. I’m going thru “strange” times.

Not all lovers were created equal

2005-11-06T22:20:00.000+03:00

After writing about “great lovers” a couple of days ago (I.e. those who love you so well), I the following conversation (if you can call it a conversation!), which unfortunately reminded me that “not all lovers were created equal”.
When it comes to Love, like any other action/act in this world, there are those who do it fairly well, those who master it, and those who really really really suck at it!

here's how the conversation went, enjoy!

: i've been meaning to ask you a question, may I?
: sure
: what do you want from me!
:……… (pause)… aaah, what do I want from you ? what a strange question! … aaahh does a person have to want something from someone eve?
: first of all, yes! when a person tries to get to know someone, show them he cares, wanna be with them alot, sends them love-like letters for years and years etc. they must have something in mind.. or -dare i say- in heart? second,it’s impolite to answer a question with a question!.
: (laughing) you see this is what I miss when you’re not with me anymore.. no other girl would say such a thing to me.. it seems that they all just wanna please me…do you get this when you’re with someone else eve? Or is it just me?
: was that just another impolite way to avoid answering the question?
: no no no I’m not trying to.. I’m just trying to understand your question…
: it’s a clear question .. you’re a smart guy!
: Ok I’ll answer your question .. “what do I want from you?” what can I possibly want or get from you … help with a major project at work or money ….blah blah blah…. I, … I,… I guess don’t want anything from you,
: aha!
: oops! bad answer, right!… Ok, ok! I think I know what you mean. You want a name for our relationship.. does a relationship has to have a name eve?… I hate names… some relationships are hard to categorize… ours is one of those… we are too special to categorize… because of our history I cannot say we are “friends” and because of our present I cannot say that we are “lovers” either…
: aha!
: I mean, its better than those names….does this answer your question?
: no.
: but, wait a minute! why did you ask? As If I’m bothering you with my calls and with asking about you and ..I’ll stop.. I promise.. I swear to God I’d hang up now and never, never, call again ever again .. think think please think whether you want me to hang up now.. no explanation required.. I swear to God I won’t call you again… ok? … Take your time, think, and then SMS me your answer…. Ok? … you have a right to say yes or no…ok?
: aha!…
: think and SMS me your answer so you wouldn’t even feel embarrassed to say it to my face… you are so dear to me I don’t wanna cause you any embarrassment… ok ?
: ok, so, your answer to my question -to sum it up- was; -1- you want nothing from me, -2- you don’t consider me neither a lover, a friend, nor even a pal. –3- you could hang up now and never call me again for the rest of your life if I don’t SMS an answer to a question that you answered my question by …… well, thanks, this does answer all of my questions!

P.S.: some people suck so much at love that they should be banned for life from ever attempting to practice it again.

chronic un-pleasedness

2005-11-04T14:03:00.000+03:00

A pre-note about the following text: this text was written in a sarcastic tone.

One day, years ago, my angel developed a taste for complaining…
And, ever since, the complaining went on…. unstopped!

Now, after years of trying all possible ways to avoid that constant nagging (trying to please, avoid, joke…etc) … And after years of this unending torture and daily guilt trips, I got to the conclusion that it must be a medical case, which I painfully called an “acute case of chronic un-pleasedness” !

2005-11-03T06:44:00.000+03:00

Poor Old yellow Saudi Arabia

2005-11-01T01:07:00.000+03:00

So much going on in my head
and more in my heart …… yet I’m unable to write…

For example, one of my most passionate lovers started recently sending me signs of his much-awaited arrival; my winter is arriving soon.
Winter started showing its pretty face a couple of days ago…. Through “fog”. This is how you know winter is coming to Saudi Arabia … it comes to give this yellow country it’s colors back… in the summer -which lasts most of the year- everything looks yellow … the sky is yellow, the sand is yellow, even the see turns yellow… our harsh unforgiving sun seems to spread its color all over everything it touches …almost all year long, we Saudi’s, see no colors but yellow.

The winter promises change to my pitiful yellow Saudi Arabia … the dull yellow desert environment changes into blue cloudy skies, wet grassy sands, and of course white peaceful and romantic “Fog” , the black and white clothes we wear all year change, the air conditioning air we breath for a whole year change , the food we eat…. , the time we wake up …. Winter comes to my yellow routine-confined Saudi Arabia and "gently" changes everything .

Other thoughts will find their way to my blog …. Hopefully soon ;-)

long time, no "poem"

2005-10-31T07:28:00.000+03:00

فقال آدم هذه الآن عظم من عظامي ولحم من لحمي . هذه تدعى امرأة لأنها من امرءٍ أخذت . لذلك يترك الرجل أباه وأمه ويلتصق بامرأته ويكونان جسدا واحدا .... من 18 إلى 25 ، الإصحاح الثاني ، سفر التكوين .

Three funerals and a wedding

2005-10-30T00:37:00.000+03:00

Every once in a while, I have one of those days/weeks/months.. when by coincidence everybody around me is going thru a bad time. Whether its money problems, marital problems, health problems…etc. And I, being very sensitive to any negative energies from others, feel like I’m going thru all their problems, combined!

This week was kindda hard.. it was one of those weeks! Plus, it started with news of three funerals that I’ll have to go to… I don’t think I hate funerals as much as I should!.. yes, they terrify me. Yes, they make me think of my own mortality. Yes, they exhaust me. And yes, they are filled with negative emotions that I somehow manage to pick up for days to come.. in short, this week had “very hard week” written all over it! Plus, I had so many other obligations…

Anyway, Today, I heard, by chance, of how a very sweet sweet sweet friend (who is ten years my senior) that I lost touch of years ago, had finally met her Mr. Right when everybody was saying that it’s too late for her, everybody was snooping into her personal life and saying to her very depressing things, especially when she refused a suitor some years ago girls were saying to her that she’s stupid to refuse him cause he is definitely gonna be the last man to propose marriage to her.. well, it was so nice to hear of her new-found happiness… I wish her everything she wishes for herself J

The thing about great lovers...

2005-10-29T09:15:00.000+03:00

Him: Don’t you like it when I call you “your majesty”?
Her: oh no, ……on the contrary ……. I do intensely
Him: then why don’t you answer to it?
Her: ……
Him: don’t worry 7bebte, you’ll get used to it in time
Her: I don’t think that’s the problem

Being in love with a lover who takes you to new depths of love …who loves you well ….. is a risk.
Its kinda like ur first time swimming , u don’t know what to expect in this totally new territory .. Uncharted land of your heart.
Words they say, the frequency of their need for you, how easily they express their feelings are but a few of what would affect your life and your way of loving forever … They will set new standards that any following lover for a life-time will either have to be compared to and fail , or compete with and fail as well….. Some lovers push the margin so far ahead that no one before or after them would even come close to how much they managed to touch of your heart and soul, and how they satisfied needs in you that even you were oblivious that they exist before. They’ll leave you with such high standards that nothing competes …. Nor satisfies you. Thus, rightfully gaining the description/brand/tag/title for the rest of your life as “the love of my life”.

Love –itself- is mad at me

2005-10-28T04:52:00.000+03:00

When your mad at someone you either stay away from them, or intentionally try to hurt them/get back at them, right?….
Love, has been doing both of these “anger expression methods” to me for quite a while now..
I’m having a hard time dealing with the anger of a normal human lover… what chance do I stand dealing with love –itself- being mad at me?

How can one show remorse to (ystsm7 mn) love?
Maybe by doing what love loves!
Ok, What does love love? Flowers (but I live in a desert!), romance (but that needs a heart and I don’t have one!), sweetness (which indicates giving… bad idea!), ….. oh! I give up! … this thought is complicated (and a bit far fetched too) it’s making me MAD…
hmmm! Maybe that’s what love loves!

Aura’s and sexual intercourse

2005-10-27T01:17:00.000+03:00

(this one’s for KING AL-RASHID, who said to me that this blog needed to be sex-ed up)

I’ve been reading a book called “Practical psychotic self-defense for home and office”. Usually, that book isn’t my kinda book, but a very close friend (and a very good people-reader) gave it to me and said “read it, you’ll find it interesting”, and so I did!

What caught my attention (and interest) was the experiment/practice that facilitates “Aura’s” to prevent getting any unwanted bad energies from others, such as negativity and pessimism, depression, laziness.. etc. According to the book, you can achieve that by closing your “Aura”. And according to the book –this is the interesting part- closing your “Aura” –in a nutshell- could be achieved by wrapping your arms and wrapping your legs (in a certain way off course). This physical state should transform you mentally and spiritually into a powerful self-sustained state… (hmmm).

Here’s my two cent’s…
If ….. one can turn to a state of inner peace, protect one’s self from harmful feelings , and be in a strong energy field…. When one closes his “Aura” I,e, wrapping his arms and legs close to his body
If….. At sexual intercourse (regular position/merchants) the female might wrap her arms around the male.. and her legs! The male could also wrap his hands around her!
If …. At sitting up position both male and female wrap both hands and legs around each other….
Do you know where I’m heading with this…!
Then.. could it be concluded that during sexual intercourse each one male and female are in closed “Aura” mode I,e, in peace ….
Further more, could it be possible that during sexual intercourse two “aura’s” inter-merge !
If so, do they make a stronger “aura”, with stronger soothing protecting effects!
May be it just becomes one … thus would it be safe to say their bodies become one and their “aura’s” (energy fields) … knowing that each tangible thing on this earth has an energy field surrounding it … does that mean that they have literally become “one”.

What do you think!

P.S: I wrote this post in a hurry, I’ll try to come back and edit it.

The oll "why do ya blog?" question

2005-10-26T23:09:00.000+03:00

I’ve always been kind of a private person. I don’t befriend people easily. Although people always seem to just wanna confine in me and tell me their whole life stories like I’m their best friend soon after meeting me!, yet I don’t open up easily. To me, it takes time to open up, I must first make sure of one’s openness and discreteness before I talk. I am not picky or anything, but one thing I cannot take … judgmental people! Being an analytical philosophical observer that believes everything in this world is “relative”, and thus is subject to further interpretation and speculation (nisbe) I need a non-judgmental listener.

Having said that, I must also add that six years ago I –out of a sudden- found myself friend-less… my true friends… the close ones I could talk to, reach out for in time of need, and share feelings of happiness and sadness with were no more. Some moved to far away countries never to come back again, some chose the no coming back turn from friends to lovers, some went religious (Saudi style! Which doesn’t tolerate speculators like me), some … etc.

I do have friends now, but they are what I’d categorize as semi-friends .. They could never fully get me or feel me… nor could they rely on me as a friend… they are –all- decades older than me, they worry about their grandchildren while I’m a twenty-something single gal with worries like “does true love really exist?” or “when is it time to get physical with a new lover?” , they work hard to pay their debts while I work too but my daddy still pays for my vacations/cars/…...

In conclusion, and to answer the question every blogger eventually must ask himself; I blog because my blog is my friend.
I just hope that this friend isn’t one of those semi-friends that never fully get me ;-)

Every man loves his mommy

2005-10-25T08:25:00.000+03:00

While closely observing three couples in new love affairs, during the past month, I noticed some almost identical behavior patterns in common between all couples.

Phrases like “I’m sick”, ”didn’t eat all day”, ”work/collage was hard today”, “I felt bad and needed you”.. etc. were articulated by all the men in the previously mentioned affairs within a period of one month. On the other hand, phrases like “you should take better care of yourself”, “you should eat”, “tell me the subject of your assignment and I’ll google it for you”, “do you need me?”.. etc. were articulated by all the women, and within that same month!.

These observations made me try to answer these questions; by facilitating the female’s sympathy, what common human feeling did those men seek from their female lovers? In addition, by practicing care taking, what common human feeling did those women seek from their male lovers? Bearing in mind that the women/men in these love affairs were of different ages, horoscope signs, and ethnic backgrounds!.

The answer came to me when I noticed a close resemblance between these previously mentioned words/situations and how a mommy treats her little children. I think each woman loves, when she loves, in a motherly fashion. In addition, I think that each man loves, when he loves, in a child-like fashion. With that in mind, one can explain so many seemingly unexplained woman/man behavior in a love affair context.

anyway, just doing some irrelevant unimportant thinking and stating the obvious to avoid thinking of what's really on my mind ;-)

2005-10-22T09:31:00.000+03:00

: hi
: hi , how are you ?
: (pause) are you …. mad ….at me ?
: (long pause) ….. I just miss you

I used to know by heart a sweet poem that tells of how two lovers who’ve been quarreling solve their problems with out words as if their hearts did the talking.

ارى حبيبي فإذا التقينا
تكلمت الضمائر في الصدور

فأرحل لم ألمه و لم يلمني
و قد رضي الضمير عن الضمير

أمور ليس يعرفها سوانا
يحير لطفها بصر البصير

2005-10-21T09:09:00.000+03:00

I was watching a T.V. series the other night called “the L word”, and one of the characters used the term “emotionally crippled”. Eureka!!!! Finally a term that describes the relationship phenomena i've been facinated by lately.

well, it is a phenomena! even teen-age girls now-a-days turn pragmatic when it comes to matters of the heart!

P.S: sorry, can't do this in-depth analysis now ... i'll get back to it later :-)

Today’s wish

2005-10-20T01:36:00.000+03:00

To: to the one who wronged me..

A great wrong has been done today. A young girl with little experience in this world took something from me that wasn’t hers; She stole from me through a lawyer.
I believe in God and in him being just, and in his grand plan. Thus, I know he will take revenge for me from her, and I know it has happened for my best; may be God will forgive some of my sins because I endured this awful experience, or God will reward me by giving me much needed peace and serenity.

My Wish: young girl who’s wronged me and stole from me, I wish that God be merciful while taking revenge from you.

Love by agreement of the two mentioned parties

2005-10-19T08:51:00.000+03:00

You can never plan love affairs/relationships, right!
Even if you start out with some form of mutually agreed spoken rules like secrecy, no strings attached, no big fuss casual everyday relationship…etc. things always go in unanticipated directions.

In a hot august night they jokingly said what if ….
Followed by lots of what ifs ….
Two months later, he’s conffessing love to her, asking for her permission to tell the whole world he’s found the one he was looking for all of his life….He said: i wanna tell the whole world i found her, in a hot august night, while agreeing upon secrecy while planning a casual no strings attached no fuss everyday kinda affair!

Love is by all means unpredictable.

Grandma’s and grandpa’s

2005-10-18T01:27:00.000+03:00

While surfing the web and reading some of my fellow blogers’ posts I came across what yousef wrote about grandma’s and grandpa’s in ( http://abuhamad.blog.com/364598/) …This post brought up some memories to me.

Last year I lost my grandpa, he was the last one … my other grandpa and my two grandmoms died years earlier … and although he was the least closest one of them to me ( coz I live in a different city ) I cried him more than I did the others … one thought was with me when I got the news of his death: all the people who truly love me unconditionally have died.

The thing about grandma’s and grandpa’s is that - unlike other people who love you - they never expect anything from you , they r just glad you are there and they are here to see u . They don’t expect you to have good grades, to do home chores, to make them happy…etc.

Allah yr7m jdane … o kl mawta almslmeen wa almo2mneen (Amen)

Cruel Hope

2005-10-15T03:35:00.000+03:00

“Things that don’t kill us, make us stronger”

We all know that we get tougher with each hardship that comes our way. We save that power and it helps us the next time we encounter another hardship. Even our initial reactions of shock and panic gets a little bit milder as we become stronger from having been-there-done-that. I’ve seen this system at work with traumas like being hurt physically, being diagnosed with a disease, being in a financially tight situation, etc. But is that logic still true if the trauma in question is; False Hope? Do we get stronger in the face of false hope as any other form of trauma thus it becomes easier each time it hits us? Or does each false hope come as an accumulation to its previous ones thus hitting us as neither new nor an accustomed to experience each time?

In his Waste Land, T. S. Eliot described giving hope to the hopeless as “cruel” ( APRIL is the cruellest month, breeding Lilacs out of the dead land) … Thru my experiences with false hopes( and I’ve had many ;-( ) , I tend to agree with that opinion…. but I’ll get back to that subject with more analysis later on when I have enough time ( and heart ) for it ….

* * * * * * *

exerpt from the Waste Land
By; T. S. Eliot

APRIL is the cruellest month, breeding

Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing

Memory and desire, stirring

Dull roots with spring rain.

Winter kept us warm, covering

Earth in forgetful snow, feeding

A little life with dried tubers.

The girl who bought a tie

2005-10-14T03:47:00.000+03:00

In a cool October night an unlikely group of female friends gathered; some single, some in long-term relationships, some engaged, and some married. Some un-employed (3a6l), some still go to school, some in college, some were employees, and some were businesswomen. Their ages spanned from 18 to 38. Yet they all had one thing in common; they were all looking for “love”.

Their target was the same, but their means of getting it were drastically different! “G”, who’s a novice in these realms, chose waiting and praying for love to come her way. “S” on the other hand, who was a thirteen-year expert, chose to mathematically beet the odds and thus try to get in as many relationships as she possibly can until one day she’ll find love. “F” chose to be practical and as the saying goes: “if you can’t have the one that you love, love the one that you have”, unfortunately, in her situation, the one that she had was a guy with zero-merits; he didn’t love her, nor was he faithful to her, nor was he a “no looks but a good personality” kinda guy, nor was he in anyway handsome, nor was he what anybody would call “a catch”. “L” who was convinced that love in Saudi Arabia was killed a long time ago (may be during the early-eighties or sometime close!) chose to look for love abroad, at first she tried neighboring countries with little luck, and now is trying the non-neighboring countries ;-) relying on some evidence that love is still alive there. “M” chose to find love using a hunter-like method: quickly and abruptly go in, take all you can take, then quickly go out never looking back at the people you hurt in the process thus maximizing one’s profits and minimizing one’s losses. “T” who was a perfectionist who quickly gives up hope of a tried and failed method, had read somewhere while studying Fung Shui that if you buy your awaited lover a gift and place it in a certain spot in your room its magnetic field will act as an invitation to him and he’ll come soon to claim his gift.. And now there is a Chanel tie in a neatly wrapped gift box sitting on her love corner. “O” had given up hope a couple of years ago on the whole male gender and chose to be a lesbian.. yet, years after taking that decision ; she’s still looking for love just like the rest of us heterosexuals.

In a cool October night an unlikely group of female friends gathered who were all looking for “love”. May each one of them find what she’s looking for in her strange own little ways ;-)

The Angel

2005-10-12T01:06:00.000+03:00

For about eleven years, he has been there for me thru thick and thin. Loving me even when I was unlovable, needing me even when I had nothing worth needing, and hearing me when I needed a friend. And for eleven years I’ve called him “My Angel”.

Many women have their Angels; those who can give you love like no other but are always “right guy, wrong situation” kindda man. For me, the wrong situation factor had to do with the ethnicity of my Angel thus our love – like the bastard son of lovers from two fighting tribes - could only go so far.

As the years went by, I started growing some demands that my Angel – who was bound by our forbidden love situation- couldn’t provide me with. A child, a home, a husband, a financial\life partner, security, someone who’d sleep next to me and not creep out of bed before sunrise etc. And as my demands grew and my biological clock started ticking it was only natural that I start looking for these things thru others, which deeply hurt my angel. The thing is; it seemed perfectly natural to me that my angel would be hurt but it didn’t seem right to me that his demands had to take over my needs. What my angel didn’t realize is that looking for these things with others hurts me too and going thru hopes and false hopes with out him by my side to comfort me hurts me extremely. It felt like having the most loving mother yet having to look for a mother\child relationship with another! It just didn’t feel right!

For more than five years a seemingly non-ending cycle of pain went on; I need, he can’t give, I try to get from another, he feels jealous, I get hurt by his jealousy, he resents my hurt. In short; a great misunderstanding grew between us and a conflict of interests, he wanted me to be happy as long as it was with him! Our love betrayed us both.

For about eleven years, “My Angel” has been there for me thru thick and thin and if God wills it, I would be there for him when i’m with another.

* * * *

Lyrics from the song "When We Dance"
By: Sting

If he loved you
Like I love you
I would walk away in shame
I'd move town I'd change my name
When he watches you
When he counts to buy your soul
On your hand his golden rings
Like he owns a bird that sings
When we dance, angels will run and hide their wings

I'm still in love with you
[I'm gonna find a place to live
Give you all I've got to give]
When we dance, angels will run and hide their wings
When we dance, angels will run and hide their wings

He won't love you
Like I love you
He won't care for you this way
He'll mistreat you if you stay
Come and live with me
We'll have children of our own
I would love you more than life
If you'll come and be my wife
When we dance, angels will run and hide their wings
When we dance, angels will run and hide their wings
When we dance, angels will run and hide their wings
When we dance, angels will run and hide their wings
I'm gonna love you more than life
If you will only be my wife
I'm gonna love you more than life
If you will only be my wife
I'm gonna love you night and day
I'm gonna try in every way

SomeDay..

2005-09-17T15:44:00.000+03:00

.. Someday..
When i'm with him,
feeling safe with him..
I will tell him ..
What i dare not say now.

I will tell him of days.. before he came
lonely days, happy days, longing days, and sick days..
when i needed his love..

I will say: I needed you and you weren't there for me!
..
He will appologize and promise never to do it again.

..someday..

Destiny.. Faith for a minute!

2005-09-14T19:53:00.000+03:00

For a minute.. everything seemed so "puropseful".. so into place..
For a minute!
Every uglee experience, every bad choice, and even the tiniest daily routines.. all seemed to lead to this perfect God-given happiness.. For a minute!
Chaos and unexplained cruelities seemed as a mere clear path.. All leading to this minute!

.. thank you God for that minute..

Back from Beirut

2005-09-11T15:17:00.000+03:00

Each time i come back from Beirut.. i drown
..
I go throu a strange philosophical, romantic, poetic mood that i can't find words to describe.. except the word "drowning"
..
Paris, the city of my teen years, doesn't have that effect on me.. Paris, the most generous city which allways greets me and says good-bye to me with a new admirer\lover
..
I'll try to write further about that subject .. later on ..
may be when i do get a more clear picture of what goes on with me whenever i leave my beloved Beirut

Sites from Beirut 2

2005-09-09T16:37:00.000+03:00

This is more like it..

Sites from Beirut

2005-09-09T14:14:00.000+03:00

I took this picture in Beirut. I read what's written on that wall and it reminded me of Saudi literature.. something a saudi would write about israel, not a libanese! (notice the two words: shr which means evil and 7aram which means punishable by God, those two words are allways present in saudi conversations about Israel) .. i bet the person who wrote it was born and raised in saudi..